Dear Lunch Thief,

I hope you fucking choke on and die from eating my stolen lunch. I don't really buy the fact that you couldn't afford your own goddamn lunch. It's not like we don't work at the same place and don't make the same fucking amount. I also don't buy that you mistook it for your own lunch.

I'm going to find you and throttle you like the dirty little bastard you are.

I hope it tasted like melting ass as it slithered down your worthless esophagus and dumped down into your scum filled stomach cavity. Fuck you. I hope you puke while driving so you crash your car into the rear end of a police car who hauls you off to jail for being an inattentive driver. And I hope you don't have insurance. You fucking twat.

Why can't people just be decent? Generally, I expect my thievery karma to be good because I don't fucking steal. This could be karma from the fact that I have a best friend who has a twitch to steal from major corporations every time I go shopping with her. She still buys things, but she has to steal at least one item... to stick it to the man? She never steals from mom and pop shops. Psychology... I wanna go to college for it because people are fascinating. My super power of oblivion I believe helps her get away with it because I never have any idea she has done it until we leave the store and she starts giggling hysterically. Literally, I have been standing right next to her when she does and had no fucking idea.

Back to you, lunch thief. I hope a wolf pack comes along and devours your young and makes you watch. I'm mainly pissed because I get grumpy as hell if I don't eat regularly because I have this human inside of me leaching away my nutrients if I don't replenish them. Not only that, lunch thief, I'm not the only one who suffers. You've now compromised the day of every single customer calling into me seeking support. Plus you've cost me money. I went over on my lunch by ten minutes in order to leave work to go get another lunch. That's $1.15 plus the $10 I had to drop on lunch. You've just cost me $11.15 I didn't have to spend today. I could have eaten the lunch from the food caterers here that are contracted with my employer... if I felt like dying from the 95% grease to food ratio.


I hope a leprechaun disembowels you slowly and gobbles down the entrails... and you're still alive.

I hope you can't pee for AN ENTIRE YEAR.

I hope Darth Vader rapes you with his light saber... prison style whether you be male or female.

I hope Rumplestiltskin steals your first born child. And turns you into a golden dildo... regardless of that being his super power or not. May you be used on the most unsavory of vaginas for all eternity. Sweaty, hairy, tuna twin, crab infested vaginas.

But most of all, since these scenarios are never going to happen in this reality, I hope you have nightmares of these things happening to you. Just so you know someone out there doesn't like you. I hope my face appears too, laughing at you in you're misery you shit eating cock stain.

 

Yea... I'm pretty pissed at the fact that people are THAT fucking low and THAT fucking selfish and stupid. It's the principle behind the idea.

I need someone to invent an invisible umbrella that wards against the shit storm of disease that is humanity.

I'm so PISSED. This is the most hormonal I've felt this entire pregnancy. I feel like a fat kid who got their double chocolate cake stolen... :'(

Arguing With Idiots- A Testimony

So, the topic of this troll-fest, was the demon mother Casey Anthony verdict. One of my CrapBook friends posted a picture of her on his page and commented on how the bitch needs to burn in hell. I, of course, was going through all my friends' recent posts and 'liking' all the ones pertaining to the bitch needing to burn in hell. So when I stumbled onto this lovely picture, naturally, I checked the comments. And the last comment is the one that I could not resist replying to. Well, I did for about 20 minutes, but it bothered me enough to wade back to it just to tell this idiot that he was an idiot. Before I start in on how much this person is a fucking idiot, lemme just say...

Arguing with stupid people is fucking retarded. Here's WHY- there are two types of the stupid person arguer... probably more but this is what comes to mind at the moment. STUPID PERSON ARGUER NUMBER ONE: They have no intelligent argument to come back with, so they target you as an individual and attack your personality or your flaws. Which of course, has NOTHING to do with the argument itself. Their whole goal here? To make you back down from shame or embarrassment at whatever they just assaulted.. This does not work on the smarter individual. And if it does! Insecurities do not trump intelligence, remember that my disciples... STUPID PERSON ARGUER NUMBER TWO: Still have no intelligent argument to come back with, so they throw out a bunch of shit that sounds smart, back it up with a website link, and then babble on and on about what they probably just skimmed through, picking out the intelligent sounding pieces and quoting them!!! This type of arguer is so goddamn annoying! Shut the fuck up already!!! You know nothing... NOTHING! Telling me shit I already knew and trying to make an argument of it... is so effin' pathetic!! Plus, you can generally see right through their bullshit... into the heart of their uselessness... and laugh... at their meager attempts. Why do these people even try to argue? WHY???!!! (I'm seeing so many parallels to my last post...) Yea, it pisses me off SO bad, I HAD to make it in super big letters to iterate the fact that if I were not in my place of business right now, I'd probably be shouting everything I'm typing at the computer screen!!!!!!!!!! 


Hokay, so I was lucky enough to get the arguer who pulled out BOTH of these SUPID PERSON ARGUER tactics. (I just thought of another STUPID PERSON ARGUER TYPE: the one who completely ignores the fact that NO ONE else is agreeing with them, and still insist on arguing, preaching their rightness...) Anyways, the comment that kicked it off went A LOT like this. (I may or may not be quoting this fucktard exactly, because it MAY or MAY NOT one day be stumbled upon by this lesser individual who MAY or MAY NOT pursue a lawsuit for slander... or something like that. Stupid people have a tendency to like pointless lawsuits.) God, this is one of the angriest rants I've had in awhile... ANYWAYS goddamnit!

HERE is what started it all...

STUPID PERSON ARGUER: Hey she was judged by a group of her ultimately informed peers and she was found innocent. As much as I want to say that it was her. She was found not guilty by real people who knew all of the facts and arguments. 

All wretched grammer and misplaced periods are going to be left intact, just to help fuel the rage at how retarded this person is. The grammar... gets worse.  

Because we are not REAL people who were provided the same exact fucking facts. The entire trial was TELEVISED, fuck face.
-Traces of chloroform were found in her trunk, unfortunately that evidence got booted out the door as it was claimed to be from the amount of Febreeze used. That's a lot of goddamned Febreeze used. Trying to hide... what exactly?
-Duct tape was found over the child's mouth when the body was recovered. Because that just happens to all drowning victims, as claimed is what happened by the defense.
-Because a kidnapping pulled off by "Zanny the Nanny" was never reported. Innocent people make up an imaginary person that stole their kid for a month... that's what innocent people do.
-Innocent people also go out and party their ass off during the whole month their child is missing. And enjoy it.
-Anyone else seen her prison tapes where she can barely contain her rage?
-Of course there are more things, but this tangent is about STUPID PEOPLE ARGUERS, so moving on.

Now, I will say those grandparents are a little off... the grandmother at least, I don't really give two shits about the grandfather. But that grandmother... something is really weird about her. Anything I've seen of her just throws me off. I was on her side for a second, then I saw more and more footage of her and she seemed to be putting on a VERY big show. She just seemed... wrong. The mother-daughter dynamics there were fucked up anyways.

Now, I really did resist the urge to respond to this jackass, but the urge to speak out won. And this was my response:

ME: Because her kid just magically ended up in some wooded area not far from the house with duct tape over her mouth. Because the bitch wasn't concerned at ALL for the welfare of her 'missing' child who was supposedly taken by Zanny the Nanny and not reported to the authorities... Because going out and partying is what innocent people do. I feel that you'd be one of the twats helping her escape justice.

STUPID PERSON ARGUER: Lol and twits like you are the ones that get their identities taken cuz an URGENT email tells you that you can earn millions overnight and you rush to pull out your purse... ;) someday your brain will come before your mouth and will realize that a group of 10 of her peers (also normal Americans who I am sure had heard about this trial prior to being chosen for their participation) 6 women and four men found that on a legal basis their was not enough evidence... (not just what you know, but rather ALL the evidence) to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that she had murdered her child... Read my post earlier I was all over the bandwagon that she was guilty. I woke up this morning expected to see guilty on T.V We have to believe in our legal system because if we don't then it is only us we to blame... OH TWIT!!!!!!! This obviously was not checked before it was spouted off about. Check your goddamn facts before you argue! DO IT. It was a jury of 7 women and 5 men. That'd make 12 jurors. What a fucking ass clown. 

ME: For one, your grammar is atrocious. For two, yea, I rush out and answer spam emails like an idiot. You've pegged my personality so accurately. The sarcasm, I'm sure, is lost on you. And the legal system has always been SO accurate and just. Just about as honest as the Government. But we only have ourselves to blame? Yea, the ones who DON'T get all the facts on purpose. But you enjoy that, that dark, asshole like place you have your head stashed. 

I want it to be known that the response that followed took an almost HOUR.

STUPID PERSON ARGUER: Lol you are funny. Everything about you has so perfectly illustrated the slow retardation of our population. I hope that everyone here keeps in mind that our government and justice system runs. HAHAHAHAHAHA... WHAT?! WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO ME?!

STUPID PERSON ARGUER: It is a vote. That woman was found not guilty by your peers. Unless you're from a different planet, they're your fucking peers too. 

STUPID PERSON ARGUER: Wrong or not the only flaw if your peers. If youvfeel that it was an unedjucated or stupid vote then blame is on you and everyone around you who have beautifully illustrated why America is fast becoming one of the most unedjucated countries in the world(20 countries children are smarter ours. Cited from this site) We all know America is getting more stupid. The intelligent people of this country had this shit figured out in the early 2000's. And illustrated isn't that big of a word and if you're going to use it twice to describe something... fuck that, don't use the same word twice within the same viewing distance of the first time you used it. What, your vocabulary isn't expanded enough to use a different word? 

STUPID PERSON ARGUER: Our rights... You know the ones that cops give you when you are arrested.. Are the last things. We have left. If you don't like that then believe in our system and if you see a flaw try not continue the string of retards... Maybe next time right :) Really, in what reality does this make sense? Believe in the our system? And it will what? Magically work? Is wishful thinking going to shit unicorn dust and the world will get set right? 

ME: Dude... You're really late on the draw. Your argument has already been made invalid. It took you almost an hour to come up with a rebuttal... Do yourself a favor and stop trying to make it look like you're not an idiot. It's not working for you. Shhh, it'll be ok.

End thread. There were a few more stupid ass remarks made on his part, but they are so pointless I won't waste your time. Didn't I promise the grammar got worse?! And don't you love the way EDJUCATED was spelled? Goddamnit... and he really went on an intelligence rant... and couldn't fucking spell EDUCATED. It's like stupid EJACULATED all over his face the way he spells shit. Fucking retard.


DO YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN WITH THE CLOG OF FACTS... THAT AREN'T EVEN REALLY FACTS, IT'S INFORMATION PULLED FROM SOME FUCKING WEBSITE. LOOK AROUND, YOU CAN TELL PEOPLE ARE LESS INTELLIGENT AND YOU HAPPEN TO BE ONE OF THEM THAT IS PROVING AMERICA IS GETTING MORE AND MORE STUPID!!!! IF YOU CAN'T ARGUE BECAUSE YOU HAVE NOTHING IN YOUR BRAIN TO WORK WITH, THEN SHUT THE HELL UP AND TRY TO MAINTAIN WHATEVER SCANTY SEMBLANCE OF INTELLIGENCE YOU DO POSSESS. Because I will fucking come along and yank your illusion of intelligence right out from under you. I hate... HATE people who think they are smart and then try to actually participate in arguments with smarter people. 


I'm not the smartest person in the world, I fuck up too. That being said, I NEVER face off against someone smarter, it is unwise to do so. What the fuck is that bit about our rights? What does that honestly have to do with the original topic of disagreement between us? Last I checked we also have gun rights mother fucker! FREEDOM OF SPEECH WHICH ALLOWS YOU TALK OUT YOUR ASS? That's still a goddamn right! And as for the cops reading you your rights... BAHA, they can still find ways around that and if you actually listen to cops read the rights to someone... sometimes some shit gets left out. For example, a few years back for the 4th of July my troublemaker uncles were lighting off illegal fireworks. Some dude pops his head over the fence and tells us to stop. He never once identified himself and proceeded to try and boss us around. We ordered him from the property and squirted him with a hose when he continued to refuse after a 5 minute argument. Dude turns out the be the fucking fire marshal. Technically they had no right to arrest anyone that night since identification was never presented and we had stopped lighting off the fireworks before police arrived so they had nothing to really go off of other than some little pricks humiliation. And did this dude have a COMPLEX... he called in some S.W.A.T buddies of his. Really? For miscreants lighting off illegal fireworks? Yea, BELIEVE IN THE JUSTICE SYSTEM ACCORDING TO FUCKTARD. I could provide a lot more examples of where the law and order system fails, but we'd all be here day. The list of where it succeeds is far shorter.

Jesus... I really haven't been this pissed about something since I started this blog. Rants like this are the REASON I started this blog...


And for the record I DO blame the panel of peers that judged her. Just because the legal system deemed her innocent, doesn't make it right. Guilty people get off and innocent people get locked away, it happens A LOT. But because she was LEGALLY tried and deemed not guilty that makes it ok. I also hate people who say you're just "jumping on the bandwagon". Apparently having a shred of moral goddamn fiber is bandwagon worthy. Just like the OJ trial, a lot of the evidence the prosecution had built up was mostly circumstantial, which is really unfortunate. There goes trying them again when they decide to come out with books titled HOW I WOULD HAVE DONE IT IF I HAD DONE IT... Goddamned double jeopardy... only works in the movies!!

And that is my argument with a stupid person.

Get Away From Me, Mouth Breather

At this point, I've come to terms with the fact that I am a special case in some areas, such as tolerance with others. Unless I'm at work, your complete inadequacy in the brain department will not go unnoticed. Even at work it doesn't go unnoticed, but for the sake of job security, I can't really speak my mind... The day that I quit though... I might be telling some people to go fuck themselves. Not customers, they are just stupid because society is declining and doesn't demand people to educate themselves anymore.. I once quit a job by telling my boss to fuck off. It was the most amazing feeling in the world. I got re-hired a year later. Cause I'm the shit.. And I run a drive-thru like a champ. 

Welcome to the BK Lounge... No, anyways the topic for my insaneness today is...

PEOPLE THAT STAND SO CLOSE IN LINE YOU CAN FEEL THEM BREATHING ON YOUR FUCKING NECK, INFECTING YOU WITH THEIR DISEASE... OF INCONSIDERATE SHIT HEAD.. 

I was waiting in line at Blimpie to get my sub on.. when I noticed out of the corner of my eye that I had a shadow... standing RIGHT there, you know what I mean, RIGHT GODDAMN THERE. And it wasn't like the line was trickling out the door into the devil outdoors. There was ONE whole other person behind him, who was giving him the courtesy of his space. I hate people in my bubble.. Do not enter unless permission has been granted... or I will choke a bitch out. In fact, I have chocked a bitch out for doing that crap. If he had gotten a boner, it would have been up my ass, that's how close this dude was. Just to illicit a vivid picture and all. There is no reason to stand that close to someone. 

I even sidled sideways like a gazelle to try and escape the close proximity of this individual... And YET he inched closer.... Like a creeper. I didn't even smell delicious today, which if I had had my normal cloud of nose orgasm on, I might have understood. But I didn't, I smelled like a human today. He wanted some nomz and he wanted them right then and there damnit. Food deprivation is perhaps the only excuse, but even then, I have a hard time refraining from the urge to throat punch you and watch in satisfaction as you grovel at my feet wondering WTF, mate? Remember when Brian owed Stewie 50 bucks and Stewie proceeded to beat the shit out of him at random intervals? That's me... doing that to you... in my brain when you stand too goddamn close. 

I don't even feel bad for the violence implicated above. Don't stand so close.. And you will not be brutalized in ungodly ways inside my head cavity. These people I throw into the category of 'oblivious' since I love giving people their own select group of stupid. But no, I even looked him in his eyes just to be acknowledge... He was not there, he was in the world of fairies and wizards or something because the human race existing around him was not evident anywhere on his blank face. I'm oblivious too sometimes, but to things like drugs and drama. Human discomfort is something I am painfully aware of and if someone is uncomfortable, I sense that shit like a drug dog. It's really a wretched thing because then I get bothered by others... far too often. And then I get insane in the membrane and this happens in my head:

I wonder if I muttered to myself about lighting shit on fire when people get too close if they'd think I was unhinged and would back away. Or mutter about the aliens coming to take me away, because that is a legitimate belief that I have referenced on many an occasion. Or talk about eating cat food with a serious look on my face. Either way, I need 'you're-standing-too-goddamn-close' repellant.

Foul Mood Wednesday

Listen here, humanity, you're pissing me off. You, and your fucking shenanigans with stupid people parading around in my goddamn life like they FUCKING matter. Yesterday... some people almost died... At this point, I don't even want to inflict physical harm, but if people just started to spontaneously combust for being stupid, I don't think I'd mind... Not to mention the fact that one of the people who pissed me off did the WRONG thing... DON'T YOU EVER FUCKING TELL A PREGNANT WOMAN THAT HER PREGNANCY PREVENTED YOU FROM 'GETTING WITH' HER RELATIONSHIP WISE. That's right, I'm fucking Tarantino-ing this shit for your reading pleasure. And also to induce some sort of twisted curiosity.

Since the story has yet to be told of why I'm not with the baby's father, it's simple, I don't want the first memories my child has to be of mommy hating daddy. I don't much care for the person I procreated with and I had the unfortunate mishap of finding out I was pregnant a month after we parted ways. However this pregnancy has helped me in a lot of ways and I don't regret in making my decision to keep it. (There's that it shit I fucking despise, THANKS, assholes from #4 on my last post.) I do not however, feel like being one of those dumbass girls who stays with the father because it is 'ideal'. Have I informed him that he has a kid on the way? Yes, what has he done with this information? Nothing. Which I also informed him that if he planned on being in and out, then he could stay the fuck out because I will not watch my kid get heartbroken over wondering when daddy is coming to visit and if he ever will again. I endured that as a child with my own sperm donor of a father, and I will not let the cruel cycle repeat itself. First time I ever met my father, was when I was 16 and he was clearly uncomfortable being around me. PLUS, I can stand two feet away from that shit at Walmart (yea he is real overachiever there) where he works and not even have my existence acknowledged. Does this mean my kid is going to go without a father figure their whole life? Not at all, I plan on getting married at some point to a non-retarded human. Someone who will love my kid like their own. These people... exist somewhere, probably in the mysterious mountains of Avalon or something. But anyways, the father has chosen not to be an active participant, and I'm strong enough of a woman and confidently secure enough in myself to be perfectly fine. Now that we've gotten that out of the way.

NOW, for the reason why I was so angry yesterday that black spots plagued my vision. Guy from work that I was interested in for awhile is the culprit of all this anger. Yea the one that fixed my computer. Later found out the blow job thing was a joke, but I was NOT laughing seeings as he threw it out there as a form of fucking payment and never made it clear if he was really serious or not. Now, I need to also point out that whenever I display interest in someone other than him, he likes to make snide little jealous comments. Let's get it out there right now that I am interested in someone else, not some random date dumbass either, but someone I recently reconnected with from my army days. But in earnest of not jinxing that shit, I'm keeping tight lipped about it until further notice. Anyways, so the conversation yesterday pretty much centered around me making it clear on how serious I was that I was no longer interested. While I was at it, I decided to take it upon myself to also inform him that 3 minute sexual encounters are ALSO less than desirable. Since he has been the only person I've fornicated with since being impregnated, I have a certain amount of frustration, which has of course been made worse for his lack of skill. He actually took that shit pretty well, even acknowledged that his performance had been.. displeasing. But what I did not appreciate, not one single goddamn bit, was being informed that the ENTIRE REASON HE NEVER GOT WITH ME WAS BECAUSE MY PREGNANCY FREAKED HIM OUT BECAUSE I WAS PREGNANT WITH ANOTHER MAN'S BABY. Yea, and his TWO kids with TWO different mothers never became an issue for me nor was it a pathetic excuse I cowered behind. Did I freak out? Not gonna lie, I shit a brick and chucked it right at his unassuming face. So basically, on our first date thing, when I told you I was pregnant and you said you were completely ok with it. You fucking lied and then proceeded to waste my fucking time in making me think there was a even a chance for something there or something more to be there. This doesn't anger me a little, this lights a fire under my ass that could probably consume the whole western half of America. Don't waste my fucking time and DO NOT presume to tell me that my baby is the factor that freaked you out and prevent you from getting with me. What a way to win a girl's heart FUCKFACE. I lost my shit yesterday, I really did. I'm already about as protective as a dragon with my friends and my mom. DO NOT talk out your ass about my kid. That is probably the quickest way to death. What that says to me, is if you were still in my life when I have the baby, that you will have an aversion to... it (goddamnit!), because it's someone else's. Fuck you. FUCK YOU SO ROYALLY UP THE ASS WITH THE LEG OF AN ELEPHANT!!!! He has not one, not even two, but THREE new assholes to shit from now.

The second thing that set me over the edge yesterday. I got a text from my best friend's ex-boyfriend who wanted to get rid of some weed. Why did this piss me off? After all I've exploited my friendliness with cannabis this whole time. YET, I've quit for the sake of... MY BABY?! What is this shit, responsibility? Then he followed up with the fact that my best friend told him to ask. That is also a problem. She found out just last fucking week that she has to turn in all of her clothes in order to satisfy her debt to the bankruptcy office because of all the credit card debt he racked up in her name, was tried, and found guilty and she still has the debt owed to the credit card company! This fucker even served jail time and is now a felon, so what he is doing with weed in the first place is beyond me, I didn't really give a shit so I didn't inquire too deeply about it. She also found out that he fell out of love with her before they even broke up, a fact that almost shattered her. And a week later they are in cahoots again.
 

So, basically, I'm universally disgusted with everything that moves today. I could totally one up that guy and light a police car on FIRE with my mind.

To Hell With What I Said Earlier

WARNING: THIS POST IS LONG AS SHIT
Dating... A word with so many evil implications. It's not fun, I think I was high on crack cocaine when I referred to it as being possible amusement for myself and others. I FUCKING hate dating... With an all consuming passion. It really is a tool of the devil to drive once sane people insane... and yes, once, long ago, my sanity used to exist. Not NO MOE. What terrible encounter did I have to make me loathe something that SHOULD normally be a shit ton of fun? Well... it wasn't an epic date from hell, it was just a mixture of nothing BUT disappointments in the dating arena.

I don't need you to be Brad Pitt... mmm Channing Tatum though... that would be goddamn delicious.. HOWEVER you need to be fucking attractive to me. I've dated some guys who are not the sexiest beasts in the world, but I genuinely liked them and in turn thought they were the most gorgeous thing ever. I can't even find a guy I can stand to be around for more than 10 minutes before ripping my hair out... Probably all a sign that men suck and I need not worry my pretty little head over dumbass males. That's besides the point, which has definitely been made painstakingly clear...

Hokay, let's examine some picky facts about me when being attracted to the opposite sex (then we will get to the wretched date that broke the camels back):

1.) GREEN or BLUE eyes are preferred over poopy brown, brown is the color of the devil's eyes and usually people that sport them really are full of goddamn shit. Not to mention the fact that my downfall from grace/sanity occurred from a brown eyed individual... D-BAGS... they are everywhere.

2.) They MUST HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR!!! I don't mean just any sense of humor either, I mean the most assholish sense of humor imaginable. Obviously, from what you lovely readers know of me, I am not your natural chick that is delicate and will break if a penis joke is made, in fact I might even beat you to the punch and throw one out there myself. My particular sense of humor is dry as shit and like I simply love to boast about, my sarcasm knows no bounds. So I need someone who can keep up and not get offended. (I'm at work and this customer on the phone is totally blasting the LOTR soundtrack, WIN!)

3.) An ABSURD LOVE for animals must be present in my potential suitor. Animal activists is crossing the line though, because those people are nuckin futs. Most men are dog people, but that rare man who is a cat person... he is doomed.

4.) Family is very important to me and I'm gonna need family to be important in my counter part. If he hates my family, suck it the fuck up because I will drag your ass to family occasions whether you like or not. Plus with me having a kid on the way...

5.) A certain amount of class and style needs to be ingrained into the brain for someone I want to date. This is not a shallow aspect, this is fucking called I-have-to-make-my-goddamn-self-look-nice-so-the-fuck-do-you. Dressing like an old man, does not please me. And TACKY shit makes me physically cringe. I dated someone who was all about tacky shit.. he thought he was being innovative but I goddamn disagree. He built a hot tub, which would normally be awesome and sexy... if it wasn't built with PVC piping that stuck out like an atrocious skeleton and was only a HOT TUB, the literal meaning of the word. I think hot tub, I think jets which then leads to sexy time. He promptly corrected me and told me that was a Jacuzzi, not a HOT TUB.  This fucker hated the jets, so he ixnayed them from the schematics... Take a fucking bath then.

Anyways, now to visit the reason dating and me are fighting right now and I am boycotting that shit. I meet people online, which is MISTAKE NUMERO UNO, mainly because I work a lot and don't have ample opportunities to meet people. And also because if I don't want to meet you, I don't fucking have to. And I try to screen people as carefully as possible. The infuriating problem with this that I have discovered in the most painful ways possible is this: people fucking lie, especially to dish themselves up to appear far more appealing than they actually are. I typically assume that people tell the truth, but that has turned out to be my wishful thinking. I tell the goddamn truth on those bitches, I want you to know exactly what I am before you meet me. Because I don't like failing in the expectations department, it's my non-Turrets induced tick. THIS fucker I met, just failed at everything... horribly. Again, it wasn't an epic date from hell, setting that expectation... ;)

I date older men, but 33 and NO personality WHATSOEVER, was pushing it. But I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, plus he was attractive in his photos. That seems to be a problem with pictures, some people they over amplify and some people they under amplify. This one was OVER amplified. We talked for a few days before we met and I already insulted him. How? He didn't have a REAL job, he played poker online and boasted that he didn't have to work because he made so much money and took major offense to my "You don't have a real job?" comment. So the big day came on Wednesday, I drove to his house because strange men coming to my house is not ok. Literally, as soon as I pulled up to his house, I get a text from him saying "I see your online. not cool, I'll make other plans for the night."

Uh, who the fuck do you think you are? Creeper for one, tracking me online. I was fashionably late of course, how do men not know that women will ALWAYS make you wait? And I have a super advanced phone so I have the internet on my phone which was automatically logged into the site. Yes, yes I did make him feel the asshole. So, he meets me at the door. When he answered... I wanted to run, RUN FAR FAR AWAY. Remember the fact that I hate tacky shit? And no sense of style??? I suffered the wrath of a slighted 90's fashion mistake.... A pair of these babies:

Velcro sandals??? REALLY?! Plus the 90's cargo shorts and some atrocious hawaiian shirt thing. This guy was striving to impress. Already I knew this shit was a fail, but even though I can be a heinous bitch at times, my manners kicked in and I figured I HAD to be nice and grin and bear it. His house was also missing some important things, such as FURNITURE... He had one love seat... one, and a tiny ass TV on a tiny ass TV stand. Judgmental much? NO, but at 33 fucking years old, you should be established in life and not be living like a college student when you don't even work and pride yourself on the fact that you don't have to work from the oodles of money you make illegally. Drug dealers have more class in their homes than this guy did. He took me upstairs to his computer room. I got there about 6:50 and promptly announced I had to be outta there around 7:40 so I could get to a baseball game at 8. This was not a complete lie, I had to be there at 9, but that hour was not going to spent in his goddamn company. So... upstairs... it was WORSE. I peeked into his room as is customary to see how the shag pad is laid out. You can tell a lot from a guy's room. There was NOTHING in his room save for a mattress on the floor... and NO sheets. *PHYSICAL CRINGE* at this point. There wasn't even a box spring, just the mattress... no pillows either. Personally I find that trashy as all hell and would never personally live like that. Moving on, we sat in the computer room while he had me go over a personality thing... He told me he'd been reading about my personality based off my astrology and birth date range... no, that's not fucking weird at all, apparently a book knows more about me and you can gauge exactly who I am before you even fucking meet me from your numerology book... I humored him and read it, yea... NO, it was not spot on like he kept saying. PET PEEVE: assuming you know me when you do not and assuming you know how my brain functions. So that was fucking irritating. After I read it, I gave it back, showing my lack of interest in the thing. He stared at me, creepy style, until I asked what the hell we were going to do for an hour. He had no suggestions, something else I find particularly annoying. Entertain your date or don't have one, simple. I suggested something that would require NO talking, a movie. So we head back down stairs and he rifles through his impressive 20 stack of movies. The selection was overwhelming, I just did not know what to do with myself. He suggests Conan the Barbarian.... I asked if it was corny, he responded with no. ALL 80's movies are corny, not a fact that is lost on me, he FAILED that test. While he put in the movie, I strategically placed myself in the far fucking corner of the couch, my non-verbal indictor that I did not want to touch him while watching the movie. Men are oblivious because he plopped his giant ass right in the middle of the couch and brazenly draped his arm around me like I was his property.

Many thoughts went through my mind as we watched this horrid movie. I thought about getting up and leaving, without saying a word. I mulled over that thought for probably 10 minutes. I also repeated fuck my life over and over and over. I pretended I was on a date with a far more savory individual. That did not work. There were times where I was about to start laughing at how much I hated the situation and just wanted out. I'm sure there was a plethora of crazy facial expressions that crossed my face all at once.  Eventually he went for the hand that was laced in my OTHER hand, to ward against such a move, but as with his obliviousness at the couch thing, this did not faze him either. He grabbed it, he did. And I said NO, and snatched that shit back. The discomfort after that was palpable. FINALLY escape was at hand 45 minutes into the movie. I booked it outta there and did not look back. I did not even grace him with a farewell, I fucking left. A psychotic episode ensued... I stopped at a GREEN LIGHT I was so far in my brain. Then... I laughed hysterically through 3 stoplights. This was not sane person laughter, this was completely crazy, I don't even know where this laughter came from, but it was the kind of laughter that causes involuntary tears to stream down your face as you laugh manically at shit that is far from funny.

As if to improve my night, I received a text from the guy who offered to fix my computer about what his reward was outta the deal. He said a blow job or cash worked. Wait, what? He offered, OFFERED, to fix my computer, took that shit from me without mentioning cash right off hand and then has the audacity to mention payment, in the form of a fucking blow job no less, two days after he has already had my computer?!?!

The result of all this? NO MORE FOR ANYONE, I REFUSE DATING, I REFUSE MEETING NEW PEOPLE.. in fact the next person I plan on meeting that is new, is my kid.

Jesus, it's almost a crime how much better I feel putting this experience into words for someone to hopefully read and either share in my disgust or be disgusted with me for being so disgusted. EITHER way, it should not feel this goddamn liberating blogging this... I think... I've crossed the line into full on blogger fever... Finally adding pictures and make it slightly that much more interesting doesn't help either. Just ignites the hunt for the perfect photo for post that day...

OH MY GOD, I should just date my blog and end the cycle of letdowns... Breakthrough... I HAVE FOUND ONE!!!!!