Saturday, April 23, 2011

Reasons Of Why I'm An Asshole And/Or Have a Boy Brain In a Chick Bod

I should start a trend of epic and ridiculously long for no reason post titles. I would, muhuhahaha. Just to be ridiculous. NOW, I've decided I'm an asshole, and for many reasons... some showcased here. Others will remain in my brain cavity for my personal viewing pleasure only.

1. I laugh at you, to your face hysterically, if your favorite color is purple and you are missing a vagina. I realize that at 22 your balls have still not dropped, but that does not make it okay. And we are not talking dusk purple here, bright ass purple. No gay tendancies are harbored, but I've had my doubts. Always.

2. This individual was never MY friend so I have never felt bad about this... ever. But when someone we used to know had a cat who died, he took it out to the desert to bury it. After burying it his car broke down and he was stranded out in the desert. So when he goes to use his phone to call someone to go get him....... he realizes his phone is buried under his dead cat, in which case he had to re-dig it up. I chortle even now recalling the story. Hell probably has a reservation for me for laughing uncontrollably for 7 minutes, but oh well, the amusement I gained from it is worth it.

3. I believe in kill orders for people. People on welfare that are sucking the system dry (people on welfare who NEED it, few as they are, are the exception), old people who still drive their haggard asses around, dumb people... etc. BUT then again we should all have known that by now. If not... educate yourself and do some light, slightly angry, reading.

4. No celebrity deserves $20 million a goddamn movie. You stand around looking pretty reciting lines with bouts of emotion strewn in and deserve $20 million because??? I would shank any celebrity within reach that makes that much money. Those fuckers need to experience bankruptcy. And Lindsay Lohan landing her coke head ass in prison appearing as breaking fucking news? No, I think society needs to give up on these attention whores and turn their fucktard minds elsewhere. What has Lindsay done for YOU, America? Fans who hope she gets better can suck my dick too. Shut the hell up fanboy, that bitch does not give two shits whether she is in your prayers or not. If she did, she might reform her habits and stop being a nuisance.

5. Anyone who finds Jersey Shore or ANY of the real housewives shows in the least entertaining I disown you as a human. You thrive on drama? You thrive on seeing people who do not deserve it live out their lavish lives while you reach for another Cheeto in your moo moo? GTFO. I'm sorry but watching these shows makes me sick. They get paid to cause vast amounts of drama and look like whores. You find this shit interesting? Entertaining? JESUS... I see it as proof of how far we have fallen...

6. I have been THAT person walking around Walmart in a costume with my jackass friends causing mayhem for shoppers. Did you know they don't allow adults to ride in the carts? What kind of shit is that?!?!?!

7. My stint in the Army where I racked up my date's bar tab by buying drinks for another table. I felt no remorse for that. The opposite actually, I was quite pleased with myself. Look, I was off base, underage at a bar with someone else's ID, and YOU ask me to accompany you on a date and YOU ditch ME for an uglier bitch... Don't think you get off so easy. And yes, I did kiss that guy right in front of you. That's ok, I still won the battle of the sexes in that instance.

Welp, I have a call coming in from Afghan I gotta take, so my royal majestic assholeyness, will see her way out. Thank you very much. I want my own asshole crown.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Learn Fucking English And/Or Stop Being a Nuisance

***This applies to individuals residing in the United States. It applies to all races, though Hispanic is most notable in the states simply because.... that's how the cookie fucking crumbles.***

But no, seriously, learn fucking English. LEARN IT, LOVE IT, LIVE IT, EAT IT... You are in an English speaking country where we stupid fuck Americans speak goddamn English. You do have the occasional overachiever who has obtained demi-godism who knows more than one language. But the common language consensus in middle class America... is English.

YOU MOVED HERE, NO? You wanted to be here, yes? This country obviously holds some mythical appeal that you carted your ass over either an ocean or a fucking wall to be here. So when you get here it's ok to not finish out your ambition? That's half assing immigration.

Why is this such a big deal?

-Because when I'm getting eyeball fucked by an older male hispanic I don't appreciate them degrading me in their native language. Nor do I fucking get impressed when they try to pick me up without knowing a shred of fucking English. You think Ima learn Spanish just so some fucking grease ball jackass can hit on me? You're hilarious if you think I will.

-Because when I'm paying you to do my fucking nails, I don't like you making fun of me to your little cohort next to you and then snickering like a bitch afterwards; knowing FULL goddamn well I have no idea what the fuck you just said about me in your rapid speak language.

-Because when one of my dumbass friends makes a comment about you being a secret terrorist and you look at me with those eyes and talk in hush hush in your native language to someone about how you probably want to knife the white devil... no goddamn wonder the stereotype is there asshole, you help fuel it.

NOW, I am not racist. I really do hate everyone the same, including dipshit white people. The only ethnicity I have no complaints about are Native Americans. Because, let's face it, they are the fucking shit. They have old magic in their blood, they resided on the soil before us, they totally coin gambling and peyote as their work of art, and they know what the fuck is up.

I sit on both sides of the spectrum, Americans, if you moved elsewhere learn the fucking language. No one likes an asshole who assumes the country caters to them... Oh but wait, America DOES cater to everyone else...

AFFIRMATIVE ACTION?! Fuck you... please educate your own and help your goddamn own before you enroll fucking ethnicities based on the SIMPLE fact that you need numbers? They don't even have to be intelligent to make it, just not fucking white. Affirmative Action really a load of fucking shit; a big fat steaming pile of smelly hershey squirts!!!

I'm tired of Americans, period. ALL AMERICANS... that means you, you fucking illegal who can't speak English for shit and still somehow manage NOT to learn the language because everyone else is willing to change things from English to Spanish for you.. like spoon feeding you like an infant...

That means YOU, welfare mom not trying to get a fucking job. Who lives with her father and sleeps on the couch while her 3 kids sleep on fucking mattresses on the floor with a hole in the ceiling where stairs used to be. How can you let your kids suffer like that while your welfare money goes into your partying? WHY DOES THE SYSTEM REWARD THIS MOM??? Offered a goddamn job paying $27/hr and you turn it down because "I wouldn't make as much as I make now..." DOING FUCKING NOTHING OTHER THAN BEING A USELESS WASTE OF FUCKING SPACE YOU DUMB BITCH!! Get off the system, get off your fucking ass, and go contribute to society. Otherwise, stop breathing my oxygen. OR get hit by a truck, that's my preference for you. Then you become disabled and have a fucking reason to be a leech in which case I'll sneak into your room and your ventilator will mysteriously suffer a technological malfunction... scary thought I know, but if you were a standup individual you wouldn't have to worry about it.

That means you, unemployment warrior making more money than working Americans making $900 on tax returns when I worked all last year and got a whole $72. I'm not shitting you. Plus I get sodomized on taxes every paycheck. Nice to see it PAYS TO WORK credit was utilized. I was on unemployment for two months last year and they take ALL OF MY TAX MONEY?! But someone who has been on unemployment for 1 1/2 years can get an entire $900 dollars... YEA, THAT DIDN'T PISS ME OFF OR ANYTHING. Welfare mom and unemployment warriors are specific examples from people I know personally beeteedub...

I can't even say it enough how much the aliens need to come down here and regulate this shit. Beam me up Scotty... please? One day.. my prayers are going to be answered... And I'm probably going to have an accident in my pants from disbelief.