Thursday, November 29, 2012

What the PHUCK is Going On Here FOR REAL?!

I like that catch phrase so much I decided to use it again. For the very... next post... Never you mind!

I'm gonna get to the point very quickly so that I can start my random rants.





Because of this. 

What is that... oil? Yea, it's oil. Made from THIS!!

It's not always purple, but purple is my favorite color so I indulged myself aesthetically.

And guess what it does. Cures fucking cancer. I'm not sure if I'm ahead or behind the gang on this one, but I had noooooo idea about this until about three weeks ago. Now, you can imagine when my best friend tells me her grandmother has cancer, that my reaction to her "I'm going to help her fight this with cannabis oil" was  a bit... disbelieving of the idea. I was like "oh, that's the grief talking". But then the fucking internet happened and the problem with the internet is that you can learn a lot of shit if you take time to look. And goddamnit, it's not even that difficult to find. 

But if you're lazy, here are some links...

And holy shit, here's a man in Canada who cure's people himself... 

And it's phucked up because this was all brought up to the government (that's right, no capital, WHUT UP?) back in Nixon's day. Not that I feel his presidential choices were exactly morally sound. I'm so fucking pissed right now. First it was the fucking paper companies who didn't want hemp used for an alternative source of paper, now it's pharm companies withholding a FAR less painful and inexpensive cure for cancer. Fucking greedy sonsabitch's on this planet! MY SOUL REGRETS COMING TO THIS PLANET!!! 

I'm so pissed... I can't even think clearly enough to be useful right now, SO PISSED! 

Oh, did you think I was going to write a research paper backing myself up? Who the hell do you think I am? I just mention shit and then you take initiative and go do it.

I want to start throwing grocery stores and malls at the government in a global temper tantrum that endows me with Hulk like powers. The first thing I'd do if I could Hulk out... kill all of my exes so I no longer had to look at them or even worry about looking at them. I have 3 exes that come to mind right now that I would schenck the fuck out of given the opportunity and no hard time was a factor. Mmm kill you so good, exes. Kill you sooooo good.

Speaking of exes, I FUCKING hate them. Especially when they are bat shit crazy like a twat. And you know how crazy twats can be. Alright, well I'm leaving. Educate yourselves. It's disgusting but invigorating to know. And I always told my mom that marijuana had more uses than just getting you high. I just didn't know that it was put here TO CURE FUCKING CANCER AND OTHER DEBILITATING DISEASES!!

On a waaaay lighter note, I've been considering trying my hand at some stand up comedy. In the process of writing some jokes right now. I think I'm HILARIOUS. I just don't think other people will find me as hilarious.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

What the Phuck is Going on Here?

So I've been doing some thinking lately... And I've reached some disturbing conclusions...

You see this beloved classic? I'm gonna fuck with it a little bit.

Seriously, I've been having what I call a mid-mid-life crisis and have been watching the shit outta some movies, both old and new. I've stopped and asked myself multiple times "what the phuck is going on here?" 

*ASIDE* I spell it PHuck with the PH as an emphasis on the fact that I am putting large amounts of frustration into the word and am therefore pronouncing it way more vulgar than is necessary. Ironically, phuck spelled like that on paper is LESS vulgar. 

So I ask myself that question as I watch these movies, but when I asked myself that question for this movie... I almost cried. First off, do I really need to mention that there is a child here that gets kidnapped by questionable fucking goblins from the get go.. to take to a very old man who is, let's admit it, really fucking creepy with him. And that's omitting the fact that this particular old man wears make-up and jock hugging tights with HEELS... 

Alright, so that's only slightly fucking weird, right? Then we have Sarah, poor little doe-eyed Sarah... whom I'm positive was high as shit when all of this occurred. 

Looking back on this movie, was that bridge scene entirely too fucking long or is it just me? 

When I stopped to asked myself "what the phuck is going on here?" it was at the end of the movie when David Bowie serenaded us again. If you stop and listen to what the shit is coming out of his mouth, it's all really goddamn baffling and I think whoever picked that song should have been reprimanded. In fact...

How you turned my world, you precious thing
You starve and near exhaust me
Everything I've done, I've done for you
I move the stars for no one 

You've run so long
You've run so far 

Your eyes can be so cruel
Just as I can be so cruel
Though I do believe in you 

Yes I do 

Live without the sunlight
Love without your heartbeat
I, I can't live within you

I can't live within you 


I, I can't live within you

These lyrics don't even make sense when applying it to the situation the movie portrays. When did dude fall in love with her enough to starve and exhaust himself? He implies that he  moves the stars for no one yet has done everything for her - by fucking with her and trying to kill her multiple times. He even tried to enslave her in a dream. And when the shit was he staring deeply into her eyes to see their cruelty? When he had her drugged on a peach? That's only time I saw any play between the two. 


What they don't tell you is that David Bowie's character was actually based off a child molester. 

Or even worse. He's based off a controlling ex-boyfriend archetype. Which is disgusting. Because controlling boyfriends are THAT fucking crazy. First they look all charming and shit and everyone looooooves them. But then... they disembowel your social life and make it all about them. 

Who are you talking to?


Who's Sara? You were making plans on going over there? When did you plan on telling me this?

What did you talk about? Anything about me? What did your friends say about me?

gawd. some men are in-fucking-sufferable and I am just as baffled as you are that I tolerated the above questions. Which were in fact real questions asked of me at one time. But they weren't just asked once, they were asked multiple fucking times. Sometimes in the same goddamn sentence. 

"what the phuck is going on here?!" 

I think I'm gonna make that my 'thing'. 

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Do Me a Favor....

Seriously, I implore everyone to take a stand against this very serious problem... *deep breath*

Internet daters....

For the love of GOD - stop exploiting your fucking angles. I hate all of you, deceivers... I don't even know why I'm even half way surprised right now...

Now, there was one adventure about a year ago involving the now notorious velcro sandals guy that has probably set the precedent for why this issue enrages me so deeply..

I can't change that I have realistic fucking expectations from these FUCKERS. 

If that sounds angry and jaded to you... it very MUCH IS.

I have this really sad heart condition where my heart is going to fail if I'm still single by the time I'm 30. Don't fucking laugh, some women have been able to find a cure, but I said "phuck that" when I found out the cure was a permanently lonely existence with nothing but 50+ cats for company.

Anyways, ugly people, I have but one message for you: STOP EXPLOITING YOUR MOTHER FUCKING ANGLES! Attractive people: stop falling for it.

I know all of this may seem... shallow to the average asshole reading this, but I assure you there is nothing shallow about the desire of wanting to like looking at someone's face. If I wanna claw my eyes out whilst staring dreamily into your eye's... problems I foresee....

But what pisses me off about ugly people knowing they're ugly... is how they try to bait you with their falsity!!! It's almost as aggravating as pretty people knowing they're pretty but then telling everyone how they think they're ugly just to phish around for compliments... No, that's actually pretty goddamn annoying. Pretty people... you are aware of your looks, so shut the fuck up, look in the mirror and tell yourself how fucking pretty you think you are and move on with your day. People don't need to spend every fucking seconds of their lives validating your self esteem. Now that I've bitched out the pretty people too, ugly people can take a back fucking seat and think about what I'm about to spew their direction.

There is someone for everyone, with that in mind, wouldn't you much rather be honest with someone if you want to even attempt dating them? I'm mean, honesty isn't exactly a commonly practiced policy amongst men folk, sometimes women, but mostly you men folk, but holy shit if the beginning starts out with lying about how attractive you really are... then that relationship is doomed for fucking travesty.

Some of you don't even know what 'exploiting angles' really means. Chicks usually find their 'angle' when trying to hide a zit or played "Who Can Take the Best Bathroom Pic for Myspace This Week" in High School. I'm not sure how guys find theirs... but they do! and they exploit them, which is all that matters.

You've met this person... you've worked with them or went to school with them or even walked by them at a park. They are that person that you wanted to give the benefit of the doubt to, because let's face it, no one should judge thy neighbor and blah blah blah. But I mean, this person is FUNNY looking - but not in the immediate outward way, but in the way that you just can't quite figure out why they are so fucking funny looking. Then you stumble across their CrapBook picture and shit a fucking brick. That person is GORGEOUS, they have glitter exploding next to their radiant faces, birds are laying a carefully crafted headband of flowers onto their stupid head, and you're not sure.. but you're PRETTY sure that Jesus himself moved those rain clouds to shine some holy fucking light on this prick for the sake of one photo. So you murderously stalk the ever loving shit out of them on CrapBook...


You start to notice that this fucker has a bunch of photos all suspiciously taken from the same angle... So you arrange a chance encounter with this ass hat only to discover that they really are just as goddamn funny looking as you remember seeing them, and go back to digesting them with your eyes whilst still trying to maintain friendly conversation.

This kind of fucking trickery should not be allowed to dirty the world of dating. Dating is already riddled with bullshit, the exaggeration of looks on top of how disappointing you are personality wise can fuck a person up. Like me. I fucking hate dating and half the reason is because people are fucking liars and know they suck deep down so they glamour themselves up... until you're standing on their porch and they are wearing socks with velcro sandals or have the absence of a chin... I KNEW those pictures with the hand over the chin shit was a goddamn farce...

And so... I abandon internet dating altogether. I can't take it anymore I tells ya. Not only am I tired of bullshit from people in general, but damn, if people can't even be honest about their fucking looks, then I really have no hope for dating on the internets. Looks can really only be exaggerated for soooo long before the calamity is discovered. Eventually looks do go away and you're left with the individual at their core. I have a firm belief and have always had this belief that you still need to be attracted to the person in some capacity.

So there it is... I fucking quit. Also, I need a job.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Don't Worry, Be Happy Wednesday!

I'm a huge SKYtard. So I threw together some images that I think are AWESOME. I don't have room for rants in my head today, so instead I give you SKYtardedness. <--so made up, it's scary.


Yay!! Save teh kittehs!!

Every single thing about this picture is hilarious.

I wanna be where ever this is.

That's all! Happy Wednesday!

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Mass Effect 3 Extended Endings Victo--... Fuck.

Besides hating the ever loving shit out of Microsoft for being a corporate monster, I've never actually actively protested their products.

And I have a lot of hate for that company.

But never enough to deprive myself of the their console. Sony can lick my butt hole if they ever think I will purchase a PS anything. Fuck that noise.

I should probably think about PC gaming. But then that also hampers my whole trying not to feed the MS monster thing.

However, something has warranted my hate on a whole new level.


The apocalyptic partnership of Bioware and EA that ruined magic for everyone, everywhere.

Today is the DAY that Bioware released their extended cut of the end of Mass Effect 3, their famous and AMAZING trilogy that innovated a lot of things for RPG's to come. Hopefully others who come along do the fucking end of their games justice because Bioware sure as shit has not.

I shall be saying GOOD fucking DAY to Bioware and EA.


I'm 100% willing to admit that the Synthesis Extended Ending OWNED the original and I always thought the Synthesis ending was the best anyways, but it was spectacular this time. And thank you for fucking explaining why Joker bitched out, s'nice. Should have happened the first time? Maybe? Editors raise your hands? *BANG!*

I'm wondering something, after seeing these extended cuts compared to the first round of endings.

Why the SHIT did the first endings even make it out of the cutting room? I mean, you have to be fucking kidding me. You pushed back the original release date and still couldn't make the Extended endings present the first goddamn time?

I may not have made a video game in my life nor have I worked in the industry, but I'm a writer, and that shit was incomplete. I felt like the first round of endings came from the minds of young adult writers.

You know what I'm talking about.

The writers who can't make the cut and write big people books so they write for 'young adults', which really just means their writing is TERRIBLE, and they have to write for a crowd that isn't old enough to know it yet.

Again, speaking from personal fucking perspective over here. Garth Nix gets an awesome nod from me though, he doesn't deserve to be in the young adult genre. And J.K Rowling, but we can all agree her shit got super dark there at the end. In fact, a lot of the fantasy authors for young adult are legit, except for this one lady who I can't name simply because I forgot it. And it isn't worth Google'ing. Just know that her books lacked substance.

Kind of like Stephanie Meyers with her Twilight. It was a good idea until Hollywood came through and cast Kristen Stewart as Bella. Worst idea ever.

So versatile. 

I still hate the endings, goddamnit.

The Refusal ending was possibly the worst though, and only because you can tell Bioware is throwing a bitch fit over fans hating their sub par writing and actually protesting about it publicly.

These new extended endings do feel like previous Bioware games, though, so fans REALLY can't complain about that. If you ever played Jade Empire, you'd realize that they have actually been pulling these dick moves for a while now.

The Extended endings are worlds better than the original endings, this I can concede to. But I don't have to like it. I'm  glad they gave us MORE. But I wish they had given us BETTER.

They half assed everything again, with the still frames and shit. EDI's voice over was pretty sweet, but then again I think EDI is the best damn thing ever and Bioware should seriously consider making a game with EDI as the lead.

Best damn thing EVER.

I kind of want them to make another ME game... so I can STEAL it. Until I feel like my money is worth something to those fuckers. 

No, I'm not entitled. I just feel that if you make one of the most emotional games of all time for gamers, you best be ending that shit on a scale that can only compare to Titanic. So many fans built personal attachments to characters in the ME universe and they didn't really get to look in on the lives of those characters after Shepard is gone, which in my opinion was the gold for a lot of fans. There were also interesting relationships amongst squad members that could have at least been nodded to with some bittersweet sentiment. 

Like if Tali and Garrus are alive and neither are romantic options for you then they get together. Or how we should see Eve and Wrex leading the krogan and having lots of krogan babies. All choice dependent of course. Oh wait. Choices... don't.. matter. 

Again, go back to Jade Empire. The loophole I have here is that Jade Empire was never as widely choice based as ME is, it also wasn't a trilogy that choices from previous games added or removed content from. 

I feel like Bioware set a standard that they could not even live up to. Makes me sad faced. :'(

They still kept the same fucking color palette bullshit. Though, I guess the typical good choice, bad voice, neutral choice motif is what most games follow these days. But isn't that something Bioware has been known to punch in the face? The 'typical'? Whatever. 

Bioware has inspired me to become a Pirate. The booty hoarding kind with patches, yeah. 

I kind of hate that I like the new endings. But then I remind myself that I like the new endings MORE THAN the old endings, so that makes it ok. Though, I REALLLLLY wish they had hired some fresh meat to completely re-write and play with the fucking ending. 

And do you know why hiring a few fresh writers, who were possibly fans, would have been extremely successful?


If Twilight can be rehashed into something good...

Do you understand where the 50 Shades of Grey series comes from??? DO YOU?!?!?!?! It comes from fucking Twilight of all goddamn things! It started out as erotic fan fiction! (To which Stephanie Meyers openly admits is not her thing. How does a Mormon write stories about vampires and leave out the sex? Vampires are all about the sex.) And let's all just admit it right the fuck now. Someone was bound to fix that shit the second it became disgustingly successful. 

Fans, I implore all of you, if you have any kind of talent like writing or video game graphic design, you should get out there and see what you can do about fixing the ME situation. Let's all mob down to Bioware headquarters and violently take over their offices like entitled dictators. Half stache under the nose optional, though it would add to the violent dictator image, so it might be a good idea. 

Ugh, stupid. Still never did get to see Tali's face. Lazy fucking twats. There was PLENTY of fan art to steal if you wanted to be lazy, which is a LOT better than using stock fucking images. They just didn't want to pay anyone. Seriously, some of the fan art out there for Tali makes me fucking SAD that her face was never incorporated into the game. 


And this is coming from a not-at-first Tali fan. All of those are about 1000x better than the other bullshit they gave fans. I REFUSE to showcase that image here. It's easy to procure, but no. REFUSE. 


PROPS to Bioware for taking the time to complete the endings a little for fans, that at least is admirable. And not destroying the relays, because that was the most embarrassing flaw in story telling EVER.  

But no thank you for the Refusal ending, which was the biggest "Fuck off you fuckers" I've ever seen from a gaming company to their fans. And noooooo thank you for the questions still unanswered about the lives of our squad mates after Shepard is gone. 


If you have to do it over again or ELABORATE on it because you didn't do it right the first time, don't be a EA's little bitch about it and give fans still frame fucking endings. 

BLUE: evil wrapped up in an unsuspecting package. Have you HEARD the voiceover for that shit? EVIL. Congratulations, Shepard is now Reaper Overlord. 

GREEN: "space magic" as people keep dubbing it. Personally I'm in love with the Synthesis ending.  Mainly because BODY AUGMENTATIONS are being researched for development and synthesizing our bodies with technology will probably be seen in our generation. SO, as HILARIOUS as it is, this ending would actually be quite believable. Maybe not absorbing the DNA of one person and getting melding into something different, that's space magic FO shizzle, but that's the fucking point of science fiction: NOT FUCKING POSSIBLE.

RED: Indoctrination theory. That's what the red choice is, hands down, fucking indoctrination. At this point I'm not going to argue that theory anymore, it's got undeniable evidence backing it up. I can't say anything bad about this ending, after all the whole purpose of the trilogy is to destroy the Reapers. That's what you've set out to do since day one all those years ago when we first landed on Eden Prime and lost Saren to indoctrination. I never chose this ending because I couldn't bring myself to destroy the Geth or EDI. The fact that I lost Legion burns me enough. The Indoctrination Theory sucks. Mostly because that's very tragic, this whole fuckin' time, you're a goddamn puppet. If that t'were the case, breaking out of it at the end would have been nice. Choices and such. But then, I guess all your choices were already predetermined by the Reapers? So everything was for naught? There's a fine line between innovating something so uniquely that people LOVE it. OR they fucking HATE it. 

Blame the japanese, they spoil us with their 45 minute end game sequences. Even if it isn't a fucking trilogy, they end their games with style AND closure. 

**sniff** So YEEEAAAAH, Bioware doesn't deserve my money anymore I decided. 

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Fuck You, Online Failucation, Eat a Dick

So legit, they borrowed the little i for emphasis on awesome.

Have you heard the marketing scheme they use? Those radio commercials that boil your ear drums out with the lazy speak of the pot head behind the mic promoting lazy-cation.... I HATE those commercials...  With a fiery goddamn passion. 

He sounds ethnic, which I find universally insulting to everyone. So, you is implying... that people who are ethnic will find iSucceed SUPER USEFUL... like more useful than white people. The girl on the commercial has some kind of learning disability. You don't talk that slow unless you is disabled. 

I love retards, so don't even think I'm making fun of them, I am however pointing out the flaw in promoting online fucking high school like it's all cool and shit. 

"Why isn't it all cool and shit?"

Because, you can log on whenever you want, go at your own pace, and guess what the best part is? It's free!!! Why? Because it's a public school!!

..... <--- waiting for the world to end ellipses.

Have you not stepped inside a high school since 1973? 

This isn't a posh finishing school or a well mannered 60's era goody two shoes. 

You have your burners, who reside in all facets of the social spectrum, I know they would not promptly log onto SCHOOL. Pfft. I'll do it tomorrow. 

You have your jocks, which I don't believe online schools have sports teams, so there they go, no longer in the running for online schoolship. (I'm making up my own words, because I went to online school and just Google'd everything.) No, I went to real school. 

You have your preppy chicks who are orange. I wouldn't count on them to be accountable.

You have your normal people, I was in that group, but I still wouldn't have logged onto school in a timely manner nor accomplished my assignments if I wasn't personably accountable by getting the stink eye from my teachers when my shit wasn't done on time. What happens when you miss shit at iSucceed? Poor grade, but whatever, it's free! And faceless. Only the beady eyes of my peers prompted me to be on time for class. God, so awkward when you're the late kid scuttling in after smoking a bee zee with some buddies and you are FAR too silly for that nonsense.... and you close the door SUPER awkward because you're young and dumb and EVERYONE knows or so you think... but they don't know and you're just being stupid.  But then your HOT math teacher gives you the fucking I-KNOW-WHAT-YOU'VE-DONE-FOR-REAL face... and scares the shit out of you FO LYFE about coming to school high. Rants from my face.. 

iSucceed does not offer such discreetness, in fact I'd consider that a HUGE benefit for all pot heads everywhere.

You have your goths. They hate everyone no matter what you do, and they dropped out in regular school, so please, send them to online school. I'm sure all of their schooling dreams will come true with an open schedule to fit their busy lives.



Honestly? I want to move my son to a foreign country and have him get an education there. Education? PFFFF, fuck, not in this country. 

Why does this piss you off so bad? You're not still in high school.


I feel like people are turning their backs on all the problems of the world, and crossing their fingers, hoping it will go away on it's own.

News flash, education is one of those thing's we need LIVE people working in. 

Google should just start handing out fucking diplomas. 

Who does iSucceed benefit?
Answer: Everyone. That's the problem.

Teachers; they don't want to deal with that one jackass they have every year who doesn't give a fuck about anything that teacher is saying to them, they are probably usually disruptive too. And they smell sometimes, don't forget the vat of piss smell.

Genius'; for the .5% out there who are retarded smart, they would LOOOVE this shit, SWEET! no longer sitting in class learning shit that bores them. But there are accelerated classes in high school for that, also, graduating early, so I feel no large benefit there, but it was argued to me so I had to share.

Lazy people; and everyone, deep down, is fucking lazy.

I hate online schooling.

I want to stab it in it's virtual, cheeky face.

Why can't technology just crumble already? And I don't give a shit if I can't deliver my ragings to you virally. I have a soap box in the garage next to my megaphone, so don't you worry. 

It's just sad how far we have fallen as a species. Sure, things are advancing at an astronomical rate as far as technology goes, but does that really mean we have to leave our human brains behind? 

Where are all of these iSucceed graduates going to go after they get done with their half assudcation?

I'll tell you where.

Carrington College. *barf*

Brown Mackie. *spew*

Stevens Henegar. *uuuuussseeeeelllleeesssss*

All those BULLSHIT schools because that's all that will probably accept them. If I was the Dean of Admissions of a respectable school and I saw iSucceed listed as where a potential applicant graduated from. I'd laugh my ass off, look at it again, wipe my ass with it... and burn it. No, that creates unwanted airborne fecal matter. I'll just flush it down the toilet like a respectable human being. 

And where do they go after they graduate from those filthy thieves?


Waitressing jobs.

Burger joints.

And thus we have created a cycle of useless.

Useless fucking college that rushes you through hardcore careers and expects employers to want to hire you.


You'd think I was slighted by pretend accredited colleges, but alas, I have not fallen into that fail boat. I just have watched other people spend over $35,000 to go to "college" and graduate only to work 3 jobs in order to pay bills. Which is hilarious, but sad. 

"Oh, you spent 80 whole hours in the lab running blood tests? And you pricked up to 7 students? Shiiiit, come on in! Our patients are very high profile and HIPPA is up our ass with something about needle hygiene lately, but you gots some fancy edumacation from a fancy school with swanky T.V ads!" 

I'm sick of watching America decline into bullshit.

It's gets me so pissed. 

So pissed I rant incessantly. 

MY POINT! (I had to step away for lunch and gather my thoughts)

Kids in high school ARE NOT mature enough to be accountable for themselves. And if they have good parents, those parents should want them in traditional school. So, we've got irresponsible little shits running around dropping out of the real world and signing up with this bullshit only to drop out of it too, thus dropping out of succeeding at life at all.

Because if you can't go to high school, sit through class all fucking day (doing nothing but fucking around with your friends, getting free money from your parents) and get at least a high school diploma... then you won't go far in life. 

It's a fact. Not even speaking from statistics. Personal fucking observation.

I don't have one person in my life who dropped out of high school and succeeded at being a stand up individual. In fact, the sorry excuses I DO know who dropped out of high school have more than one kid, are single or battered, and are the funniest status updates on CrapBook EVER.

Speaking of CrapBook,


I've decided I've had enough. It was cute and all at first, I mean this girl REALLY believes in the big OG upstairs, but now it's fucking redundant. 

Today she reached out to everyone and pleaded with them to strengthen their relationship with God. It made her SO SAD to see everyone ignoring him and his LOVE. If only everyone BELIEVED, everything would be ok and get BETTER!! 

And I'm sparing you the real speech, it was eye bleedingly awful. I think I physically gagged. I know my face got fucked up in the what's-this-bitch-talkin-bout? frame for a good 10 seconds. I can't even take myself seriously when talking about GOD-GIRL. I can't believe ANYTHING that comes out of her mouth because I think it's a bunch of bullshit and I'd like it if she'd fuck off and not shove God down everyone's throats. 

Seriously, you Jesus Freaks need to stop with the knocking on doors and stalking people routine. I HATE my mom's "visiting teachers" (eye roooollllll, I really don't like these women). And they know I despise them, I can see it in their eyes when I stare into their souls. 

BTW, JF's, I capitalized everything with due respects, so don't think I laugh at you AND mock spelling and capitalization. The English language should be greeted with respect, after all it's a dying breed, love it while it's here. 

So0n eeryting wil1 B al1 jenky and U w0nt kn0w werre the punctuashuuns n capit0ls n grammerz whent. 

Oh, you have no idea how much it hurts my soul to type like that. I made it poop brown colored for emphasis on it being a pile of shit. And in large letters just to be more obnoxious.

Ending now, B4 I get more pissed and spill more rages. 


Because, with the little i in front, you automatically win. It's proven.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Now That We've Been Properly Introduced...

Time to bitch at you for a while about how much some people are complete failures. No room for improvement style.

I can't TAKE it anymore!!! I almost want to beg the heaven's to reign down fire or some shit, even if I burn with everyone else, however I'm above that, so yeaaa. But whatever, it needs to be done.

I was going to remove myself from the social disaster that is CrapBook (that's right I'm bringing it back so as to avoid all manners anything stupid that could possibly be claimed or taken out of context from anything I write. Means I plan on getting Jewishly controversial in the future. Not today though. Maybe today, who knows it might just happen. Like with Dhhug. (if you were saying that in your head like I am, you'd feel like you'd need to go take a shower because of how insulting it comes out.))

I almost collapsed my page with that parenthesis inside a parenthesis. Parenthesiception.

I decided not to remove myself from possibly the best source of creative inspiration anybody could ever ask for. Stupid people are already hilarious, mostly because they don't even know they're hilarious, but stupid people that post about their train wreck of a life on Crapbook... are the true bread winners of all that is holy in my world. At first, it pissed me off, rage beast style. But then, I had to take a moment to fucking laugh.



Lesson #1: There is Nothing Wrong With Being 17. There is Something Wrong With Being 17 and Acting 15...

Allow me to elaborate. At 17, most of were rock stupid with rose colored glasses. Maybe we had touched the tip of the iceberg about what life was all about at this point, but most of us were still monkeys in a barrel with no real comprehension. I myself have always been more mature than my peers, I was raised primarily around adults, soaking in everything they said and trying to learn from their awful interesting lives. I succeeded. However, I was even rock stupid at 17. In fact, I would say I remained in the rock stupid phase until I was 22. I can even say and acknowledge all of the mistakes I've made and what dumb shit I believed and how unrealistic life in my world was. Basically, I grew up. Onwards ho!

This girl that I had the privilege of knowing in my teenage life, recently announced her pregnancy to the world via CrapBook. Happy news, right? Wrong. She was still 17 when she made the announcement. And then every fucking post afterwards was all about how she could feel her stomach tightening up and she was sooo sick and she couldn't sleep and everyone was so hard on her and she was gonna be an awesome mother and all the haters better shut their mouths!

She was two weeks pregnant when she started complaining... and going over feeling her belly tighten. Pfffffffft. I didn't feel my stomach get tighter until I was practically six months pregnant. I also don't want to hear, how at 1 1/2 months pregnant, it is so hard to sleep. Sleep is AWESOME in your first months of pregnancy, you don't have body parts poking you in the ribs or bladder yet. I had a terrible case of morning sickness during my pregnancy, sleep was the only reprieve I got from that shit in the mornings. And if you think you have it bad now, you have another thing coming. Just wait until your belly ACTUALLY begins to tighten and you start to feel the baby. Better yet, wait until you're 7 months pregnant and you have a short torso with hardly any room for food because a baby is taking up all the space you have in YOUR BODY? Your back hurts before you're even two months? PSSSSSHHHHHH, wait till you hit 6 months.

I amuse myself.

Know why you can't sleep? Because you're not ready to be a parent. CrapBook is in no way a vehicle in which people should be judged, however when you know some of these people in person, you have that scary realization that they live their life EXACTLY how they portray it to you on CrapBook. And then you go an create a blog about and spin it to your advantage. Everybody wins.

What I've gathered from this person based on what she wants the world to see:

i cant sleep at night  my back hurts so much! ! i love you baby, forever and always **/**/****! ! fuck evryone who thinks i wnt be a good mom! ill be the best mom ever! out of all of the people i know, I'm more ready than most of them ! im so tired of all my familys bullsht, sorry you have money and i dnt, guess ill move out and only have money for my rent and no money for food for my baby, thats fine! ill show you! im so excited for my job interview today, nervous, my tummy hurts, but ill do awesome! ! muaa i love you baby! ! id fallow you anywhere, for ever and always **/**/***! ! <3

Did your eyes almost bleed? Try getting a computer to type that fucked up. It was more difficult to TRY to BE that stupid than it should have right to be. That was a mash up of all the shenanigans I have observed over the last two months. Yes, that's all I could take away from this person, that's pretty deep right?

After months of CrapBook creepin', I couldn't handle it anymore. I HAD to respond and correct her stupid somehow.


That's it. I figured the subtle assholery indicated in that simple jab would only be amusing to me. Apparently I was wrong.

who cares how she spelt do you have nothing better to do than be stupid

Was the out of nowhere wind up from the maybe father. By the way, to be a little more clear since I was paraphrasing her posts up yonder, I commented on a post about applying for a fucking JOB.

Um, do you honestly feel the need to attack anyone who says anything to *****? Grow up, act like an adult, And try not to get your panties in a twist over typo correction. And FYI, spelling DOES matter in work environment, if a potential employer were to look at an application and see incorrect spelling, they would never consider you. But keep getting all pissy about stupid shit, you'll go far.

To which I received no response.

I legitimately want her to learn how to fucking spell. If I were looking to hire someone and I saw this shit on an application...

im so excited for this opurtunity! i hope to be heering from you sometime soon to fallow up with me.

I'd throw that shit away. After wiping my ass with it after mowing through some Popeye's...

Now, it's ok to be young and dumb, we've all been there. But there has to be a point when life gets SO shitty that you finally get it.

No, it's not your families responsibility to take care of you, your boyfriend, and your possibly illegitimate child!!! They do not need to fucking take care of you because you can't fucking spell follow long enough to get a fucking job.

Would I have been ready at 17? FUUUUCK NO.

Would I have been ready at 19? HELL NO, I was just warming up.

Would I have been ready at 22? Not really, but guess what that's when I had my baby and I had to be ready.

Girl's that have had children at 17 or earlier and succeeded, hats off to you ladies. I know you are actually out there like beautiful white unicorns glittering in the sunset, so take no offense if you are quality people.

But if you are fucking vindictive and feel entitlement to have other people take care of you because 'they have more money than you'... Oh god, that's the Welfare Mom motto. Secretly.
Welfare Mom.

Why can't people be smarter? It's exhausting having to be smart enough to make up the difference... I can't even continue, I just made myself sad.


Awww. Nawww.

I am officially announcing that STUPID PEOPLE MAKE ME CRAZY... is dead. 

Time of death: nine forty-nine A.M MST on the 14th of June, in the last year of the Mayan calendar. 
Cause of death: inadequacy.

In the time leading up to it's death, SPMMC fought the masses bravely... cracking out the very posts that determined that SPMMC had to go. It just wasn't doing it's job on informing people about Stupid People... because they are a different breed all on their own... 

My own choice of pictures... almost made me puke. Look at it though, look at all that glory smeared across DHHUG's fayce. 

OH my GOD I immediately regret that^ decision, I didn't realize how grotesque this picture is until it becomes BIGGER... I have to write some more to get that picture to scroll up so I can stop glimpsing it out of the corner of my eye. Seriously, when you've creamed the corn on your fu---(gag)cking face... the way his tongue is trying to bust free from the rest of his BODY... It's so---I'm half convulsing right now. 

It's THAT gross... SO gross that I refuse to look at it whilst trying to write. But I won't remove it, it's horrifying enough that I feel like it needs to be shared. Ok, I lost my previous train of thought because of how ultimate that little moment up above was. But I do believe I made my point... stupid people are a sect apart from the rest of us. 
To help un-soil your poor brain after that last incident. What's up with all this corn? Fuck you.

I'm reinventing myself, that's the real point to all this. It has been attempted in the past before... That's right, you had no idea, that's how successful it was. As far as explaining myself, I won't, frankly because I'm positive that not much can come across very well in this post. Especially after Dhhug up there creamed some corn and burned my retina's.


But there you have it. Stupid People Make Me Crazy has died.

(I kept some of the most popular posts based on how much traffic those specific post's accrued. I'll create a space for them to be found easily.)

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Splatter, bitches.

You see this man? What they aren't showing you, is that he was splattered 10 seconds later because he was an inattentive fuckwad. 

We all know, or at least we SHOULD know (hence if you've read my shit diligently), that I have an extreme loathing for bastards who ride their bicycles in the street on busy roads when there is a side walk right goddamn there. If I wasn't such a lazy sod, I'd link that very post I'm referencing, but instead I'm gonna play a cruel game of mentionzies and no givzies. Haha go findzies.

Eherm. Anyways, no really I'm not linking that shit.

Let's venture fourth into this post. Earlier today I was driving across town after picking up my boyfriend. I have deeply seeded demons over people riding in the fucking street when there is sidewalk right next to them and there is no bike lane. This is an inconvenience for all motorists as you are now a fucking meat popsicle parading around as another motorist when indeed you are not. You are an obstacle. 

So I'm driving and jackass to my right is riding his bike so precariously that it was so tempting not to acrue a manslaughter charge. Wouldn't have been a challenge or anything... if anything, if Xbox was tracking this achievement it would have read something like:

Yea, I'm totally referring to myself as Hitler, I'll even melt down the parts of the bike after I dispose of the bicyclist's body in my oven out back... And then I'll make that shit into an elaborate memorial monument dedicated to the victims of the Holo-Bike Serial Killer. 

... That whole scenario I just described... almost got weird and atrociously insulting at the expense of a historical atrocity. Hahaha, atrocious war crimes are atrocious.... 

Was that a hidden disclaimer that the Holocaust wasn't funny and only becomes funny when something unbearably shocking is said?

I don't think I've reached my point yet. My point is, that bicyclist who was fucking texting on his bike in traffic with his fucking life on the line so he could log into FaceBook and hit 'like' on some FAP's... almost took some Sweet & Sour sauce to the fuckin' grill.

But a stoplight foiled my plans... this dude looked like he was packin' for sure... didn't want to risk a glock in my face over some condiments. But damned if I didn't wanna sauce that man up... and hit him with my car. Just to see how glorious it would have been, I chucked the sauce out the window just to examine it's full potential... the spiral that beautiful golden colored sauce cast... I saw it in slow motion I swear... Would have looked nice all up in that tool's business. 

Why don't bicyclists have to obey the rules of the road? No- instead everyone else must adhere to them bastards. Stoplights? Pfft... more of a suggestion, all they have to do is yield. And yield they do... I've seen bicyclists dart recklessly out into an intersection when the opposing lane was turning. Did they heed the giant jeep cruising their way? Naw... brush it off and keep peddling, might cause an accident or two, but I'm good, I yielded. 

Hey, the next time you try bath salts, go eat the faces off bicyclists. No one will miss them and the cops might not try to shoot you off of them, so hey! eat up. 

I tell you, people are getting more stupid. The fact that I just tried to write "stupider" proves that. And it's not because I'm illiterate so shut the fuck up, it's because I hear it all the goddamn time from my illiterate friends. They've self proclaimed it, don't get all righteous. 

Just the other day in fact, my eyes.... were accosted, as mandated by a complete stranger with a huge jiggly center and a barely there towel dress on. 

Let me set the scene for you. I'm a little... standoffish. If you make eye contact with me in public or attempt to develop some form of camaraderie with me based off a common interest in some ridiculous social situation... I will shun you. So I pull into a Jackson's to reup me some cigarettes. I pulled up next to two people in a V-bug... they were either together or were mother and son.. Can never tell these days and the fact that those are the two dynamics I assumed... something is either wrong with my perception of them... or they have a fucked up dynamic that could mirror that of Oedipus.. 

I digress.

Anyways, chick tries to make eye contact with me and I immediately turn my back on her. So little miss lolita over to my right topples out of her massively lifted truck... struggling to even fall out of this thing, mind you, in this flimsy ass t-shirt fabric dress that barely went passed her ass cheeks. As I'm examining this odd lump of a woman, she goes to open the door to the Jackson's... when my friend Breezes lifted her damned dress and showed me the surprise of my life. Chick doesn't like underwear... I mean really doesn't like underwear. Even to the point of risking public humiliation by stepping out of the house in a fucking bend-me-over-and-rape-me-like-a-dirty-cholla t-shirt dress. 

The insanely obnoxious, and contagious, laughter.. yea that was me. The camaraderie the woman in the V-bug had tried to establish earlier was set in fucking stone. We had both been demoralized by that which should never be seen, and we took that shit like champs. Whereas earlier we had given each other the eye, one woman vying for the other's gaze so she can size her up while slowly digesting how attractive she is only to use it to judge her mercilessly in her mind... Whoa... girl information that slipped out in a word-vomit like fashion... gentlemen, what I just gave you is a weapon. Can't see it? Take a seat mother fucker and learn some lessons in observation. 

So yea, lady I had mad dogged and shunned earlier, ended up sharing a beautiful moment with me so I could share this story on the internets. And you thought this would end with the punch line really being about some fat chick's random ass shot rather than my fluff story of bonds we develop with strangers in traumatic social settings. Awww.