Saturday, April 23, 2011

Reasons Of Why I'm An Asshole And/Or Have a Boy Brain In a Chick Bod

I should start a trend of epic and ridiculously long for no reason post titles. I would, muhuhahaha. Just to be ridiculous. NOW, I've decided I'm an asshole, and for many reasons... some showcased here. Others will remain in my brain cavity for my personal viewing pleasure only.

1. I laugh at you, to your face hysterically, if your favorite color is purple and you are missing a vagina. I realize that at 22 your balls have still not dropped, but that does not make it okay. And we are not talking dusk purple here, bright ass purple. No gay tendancies are harbored, but I've had my doubts. Always.

2. This individual was never MY friend so I have never felt bad about this... ever. But when someone we used to know had a cat who died, he took it out to the desert to bury it. After burying it his car broke down and he was stranded out in the desert. So when he goes to use his phone to call someone to go get him....... he realizes his phone is buried under his dead cat, in which case he had to re-dig it up. I chortle even now recalling the story. Hell probably has a reservation for me for laughing uncontrollably for 7 minutes, but oh well, the amusement I gained from it is worth it.

3. I believe in kill orders for people. People on welfare that are sucking the system dry (people on welfare who NEED it, few as they are, are the exception), old people who still drive their haggard asses around, dumb people... etc. BUT then again we should all have known that by now. If not... educate yourself and do some light, slightly angry, reading.

4. No celebrity deserves $20 million a goddamn movie. You stand around looking pretty reciting lines with bouts of emotion strewn in and deserve $20 million because??? I would shank any celebrity within reach that makes that much money. Those fuckers need to experience bankruptcy. And Lindsay Lohan landing her coke head ass in prison appearing as breaking fucking news? No, I think society needs to give up on these attention whores and turn their fucktard minds elsewhere. What has Lindsay done for YOU, America? Fans who hope she gets better can suck my dick too. Shut the hell up fanboy, that bitch does not give two shits whether she is in your prayers or not. If she did, she might reform her habits and stop being a nuisance.

5. Anyone who finds Jersey Shore or ANY of the real housewives shows in the least entertaining I disown you as a human. You thrive on drama? You thrive on seeing people who do not deserve it live out their lavish lives while you reach for another Cheeto in your moo moo? GTFO. I'm sorry but watching these shows makes me sick. They get paid to cause vast amounts of drama and look like whores. You find this shit interesting? Entertaining? JESUS... I see it as proof of how far we have fallen...

6. I have been THAT person walking around Walmart in a costume with my jackass friends causing mayhem for shoppers. Did you know they don't allow adults to ride in the carts? What kind of shit is that?!?!?!

7. My stint in the Army where I racked up my date's bar tab by buying drinks for another table. I felt no remorse for that. The opposite actually, I was quite pleased with myself. Look, I was off base, underage at a bar with someone else's ID, and YOU ask me to accompany you on a date and YOU ditch ME for an uglier bitch... Don't think you get off so easy. And yes, I did kiss that guy right in front of you. That's ok, I still won the battle of the sexes in that instance.

Welp, I have a call coming in from Afghan I gotta take, so my royal majestic assholeyness, will see her way out. Thank you very much. I want my own asshole crown.


  1. #5 and #6 It's like you're reading my mind.

    Why aren't there more people in this world like you?

    You are fucking awesome, you hear me? FUCKING AWESOME.

  2. I actually meant #4 and #5..... yes I'm a fucking idiot too :(

  3. I'll allow #1 because purple is my fave colour, but I'm gay so I guess I'm allowed. Great post! Made me laugh. Keep being an asshole, I'd hate to be the only one;)

  4. oh WOW.

    that cat story is PRICELESS! hahahahahaha he had to dig it up again.... WONDERFUL!

  5. @jaime- this person is straight and is sort of a homo-phobe so thats why I relish in his embarrassment when I laughed my ass off at him in front of all his friends when his favorite color was revealed. I like my gay friends and used to have more than I have now, so therefore I really did delight in his misery. MOOHOOOHAHAHAHA.

    @#19- jesh, we all have our stupid moments. I am completely against retarded people, HOWEVER if that person has displayed a semblance of intelligence then I am willing to forgive them for their occasional stumbles ;)

    @ihate- yes...... I laughed for days when I heard the story.. My friends all though I was an asshole... but if you don't find that shit funny there is something fundamentally wrong with you.