Tuesday, April 23, 2013

WILLLLLLHHHHEEEEELLLLLLLLMMMMM!!!!



That there gents, is the face of Private Wilhelm of The Charge at Feather River. But I'm getting ahead of myself. First to explain why that agonized face up yonder is now legendary. 

As a kid I always felt like I was almost too perceptive. I was raised around adults, typically prone to all of their conversations for lack of other children to play with. So I never wondered why I was this way. Until I chanced upon a scream that tortured my innocent child brain for the entirety of my childhood. 

During any given action scene in a movie, there is always a LOT going on. I started to notice that when a particular stuntman died, he would let out a distinct yelp. It wasn't until Star Wars: Return of the Jedi happened that I finally started reasoning with myself "OK, now it was alright before but I KNOW these stuntmen are not screaming the exact same way..." I was around 7 when I decided that for myself.

Either by coincidence or my soul was so tortured by the identity of the scream, I became obsessed with knowing everything there was to know about "secrets" in the entertainment industry. The Nintendo 64 helped fuel this obsession with their Mario Easter eggs hidden in both Zelda games for that platform. 
Zelda: Ocarina of Time

Zelda: Majora's Mask

If you're wondering what an Easter egg is - it's something hidden by developers in the software that has no special significance on game play. They are solely in the game for the gamer to find, usually for people that are what gamers like to call "hardcore". However, games aren't exactly what they used to be and Easter eggs are increasingly easier to find. Even getting to the point of being laid out in the open for a simple gag.  

In the early days of Atari, they didn't like crediting game designers due to a fear of having to bargain with well-known designers. A spurned employee named Warren Robinette decided to leave behind "Created by Warren Robinette" in the video game Adventure. 

A lesser known Easter egg is the one embedded within every Mac operating system. When Apple first launched their project it was named "A New Hope", a new hope in that it would be successful against Microsoft. Because of this, you can watch Star Wars: A New Hope in the terminal window of a Mac. Don't get too excited though, it's in text format.

Still awesome in it's own respect.

Speaking of Apple... Pixar is the biggest offender for Easter eggs. The Pizza Planet truck from Toy Story? Makes an appearance in every Pixar movie. EVER.

Brave

Cars

Cars 2

Monsters Inc.

Wall-e

Up

EVERY. Pixar. MOVIE. ever. You can go see the rest for yourself.

Now back to the sCREAM. How did I finally learn the identity of what I deem the greatest Easter egg of all!? (Though the scream offically isn't labeled an Easter egg. BY RIGHTS IT SHOULD BE!)

Flash forward about another 17 years when I was on a date and the movie we went to just so happened to have the infamous scream in it. As soon as my date heard it, he nonchalantly chuckles and states "Ah, the Wilhelm Scream." 

"IT HAS A NAME?!" I shout, mindless to the fact that we are in a crowded theater

Oh yes, it has a name, a name it has.....

The WILHELM SCREAM!!!!

It's always nice to learn that after 23 years of living that you aren't half insane; and also to no longer be haunted by the death wail of a stuntman.

The scream was originally recorded back in 1951 for a film called Distant Drums. However it wasn't until 2 years later when it was used in The Charge at Feather River that it would later go on to gain notoriety. The sound clip for the scream was later drudged up from the Hollywood vaults by a man named Ben Burtt. Burtt ended up naming the scream after the character Private Wilhelm in The Charge at Feather River even though that was not the first film to use the scream. Burtt ended up incorporating the scream into all major projects he was involved in at the time. This just so happens to have been anything with the name Lucas or Spielberg in it. This explains why every single Star Wars and Indiana Jones to date all feature the scream.

Burtt initially tried locating the original voice actor who recorded the scream. His research has led him to believe that Sheb Wooley, the man behind the titular The Purple People Eater song was the original screamer. 

Sheb Wooley. Epic Screamer.



And now.... to damage your mind. Once you hear it, you can't unhear it... YOU WILL HEAR IT FOEVA!





Thursday, March 7, 2013

A Le Video!!

I haz a le video! For the first time ever, for a special video performance that only happens once every so often... I bring you: me.

video

And I happen to be pmsing.... so excuse natures beauty mark on my face. It haunts me at night so thank you.

As for the reasoning behind this venture... NO FUCKING REASON OK? I need no reason to be amazing! Although I was not in angry mode when this was recorded. Now that I have all these fancy cartoon faces and dandelion seeds that stick to your face, I foresee a SHIT ton more "vlogs" coming soon.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

People Are Fucking Stupid

I know, I just shocked half of you to death with this AMAZING fact. Forgive the absence of awesome sauce photos and enlarged print, I'm on my phone because I really just can't hold this bitch fest inside... I might die if I try. Also, if you see an instead of and, I'm not really that ghetto, my phone just thinks its cute to forget the "d" if I'm typing ferociously, which is likely to happen.

Now - once upon time I wrote a very angry post about California Boy... I elaborated on him enough to convey that he broke my fuckin' heart. What I did not elaborate on is that I believe with every fiver of my being that he is my soul mate and I am his. I've true for YEARS to run from it, to try to move on with other people. I almost succeeded, but dude not only dropped me on my ass but came back into my life a year later and wanted me to quit smoking pot for him. First off, only one person could ever make that demand of me and even then he would meet contention. Secondly, I ended up quitting of my own free goddamn will. Which is HILARIOUS. Quit smoking pot for you, nig, ain't no one never said that ever and succeeded in that endeavour unless they followed that request up with a pimp slap.

ANYWAYS! This is not about him, this is about California Boy and the fucking Nicholas Sparks drama we've been dragging each other through for the last fucking millennia.

For the last yea and a half, we've been living a hellacious cycle of talking, fighting, no talking for one to two months. Then someone breaks down and makes "the call" and the cycle begins again. Now what's really fucking annoying about alllllll of this; he pretty much told me he wanted to get back together after he got back from deployment. That wassss 2 years ago and guess what - I am not fucking important. At all. He is with someone he can't fucking stand and has all but said "I don't wanna settle". When asked why he would rather be with people he doesn't like over, say, myself; his response is always "so I don't regret anything, so I know I tried everything". You wanna know why that's his fucking response? Because he regrets not trying with us. What is that sound? Mmmmmmmm that sounds suspiciously like the definition of fucking INSANITY - trying with other fuckin people because you regret not trying with the "one". What sounds like the fucking fix?! DOES IT TAKE A NUCLEAR PHYSICIST TO TELL YOU THE ANSWER?!

As to why we broke up in the first place.... I cheated on him. Yes I'm a horrible fucking dick bag and I deserve everything I'm getting. No- there are exceptions to every rule.

Setting: Nazi Germany
Age: 19
Scenario: I was sexually assaulted by my platoon sgt. To add insult to injury, it was not a closed investigation, so everyone and their goddamn mother knew what had happened and who the "victim" was. What did this result in? A total and complete blacklisting from civilisation. No one wanted to be the "liars" friend and all that nonsense. At the time, Cali Boy couldn't get over his own hurt, so he did what everyone else did, abandoned me when I needed people the most. The only person that offered me solace was a wolf in sheeps clothing and I took what little comfort he offered. That comfort ruined my fuckin life. Now in the years since that incident, neither myself nr Cali Boy have been able to annex ourselves from each other. BECAUSE WE STILL FUCKING LOVE EACH OTHER.

And now.... Now he may be facing another deployment...

It's taken me YEARS to forgive myself for hurting him and in turn also hurting myself. For a very long time I punished myself for Germany. It was crippling. I've been able to forgive myself and recently, so has he.

Just FYI, whether he still has a GF or not, I plan on proposing to him if he gets deployed. And that's how that shit is gonna go down.

Friday, February 8, 2013

*Sigh*Beard


I want you to take a moment... and just appreciate the shit out of what that says. Because it's so effin true, it borders disgusting. 


Also, here's this. I'm pretty sure that's two dragons fucking. Not 100% positive as the description does not specify, buuut... two dragons fucking is definitely what I saw. HOLY SHIT, I just spelled definitely by myself!! NO spell check AT ALL. If you understood what that meant... you'd rejoice with me. 

Moving on, to explain those random ass pictures above. I was in a mood and decided to type in "STUPID THINGS" into Google, and like the awesomeness that is the internet, those lovlies popped up and I HAD to share.

You might be wondering to yourself, 'where has this ass hat been?' 

Well, you see, I started College. And damned if it isn't fuckin' challenging. I've also recently quit smoking and thus have gained WEIGHT and must shed it!!!! I have an old friend to answer to in May, and I'm getting less and less inclined to let them win. I SHALL WIN IT ALL!!! MUHUHAHAHA..


Eherm, 

Angry rants... are roiling around in my head. I have to pace myself.

First off, 


First off, 

ALL YOU PEOPLE BE CRAY.

I'm just sayin... also, stop with the fucking abbrevations for entire GODDAMN sentences. js. lol tf? <-- like srrsly? What is all that fucking garbage and why must I have to read fucking letters? Lazy twats. 

Ok, for real back to it,

all you people be cray.

I was brought into a massive party for a double birthday between myself and one of my 5 best chick friends. I was not aware of the magnitude of people this party pulled in. I think head count got to 250. We ran out of wristbands. And yea, that was me totally bragging. (if you don't want this to become a novel, you'll wait to hear about why this so fantastic to me, I abhorred my bday for a LONG time, mmkay?) But out of those 250 people, I managed to run into the only military mother fucker in the joint. And he was batshit crazy. My lawd, people, chemistry and dating is not a fucking science. It is either there or it isn't. And my state of mind was definitely (woot) in question upon our meeting of each other.. and holy balls, when that shit wears off it is GONE. And I mean the pretense of sanity. I'm not gonna go into details, but text bomb of MADNESS. 

Secondly, 

I don't even want to touch on where this country is right now what with gun rights and just all this other SHIT. It's overwhelming, I don't even know where to begin. I almost am tempted to crawl away to some crazy hippee commune and just say fuggit. When shit gets real, I will swim to Africa, I don't care, I will fucking do it. Anywhere will be better than here if shit ends up hitting the fan like FUCKING history REPEATING ITSELF.

Now that I've said that. 

Peace the fuck out, I just pissed myself off a LOT.

It's not you, it's me.




Thursday, November 29, 2012

What the PHUCK is Going On Here FOR REAL?!

I like that catch phrase so much I decided to use it again. For the very... next post... Never you mind!

I'm gonna get to the point very quickly so that I can start my random rants.

I

am

SO

PISSED. 


Because of this. 


What is that... oil? Yea, it's oil. Made from THIS!!

It's not always purple, but purple is my favorite color so I indulged myself aesthetically.


And guess what it does. Cures fucking cancer. I'm not sure if I'm ahead or behind the gang on this one, but I had noooooo idea about this until about three weeks ago. Now, you can imagine when my best friend tells me her grandmother has cancer, that my reaction to her "I'm going to help her fight this with cannabis oil" was  a bit... disbelieving of the idea. I was like "oh, that's the grief talking". But then the fucking internet happened and the problem with the internet is that you can learn a lot of shit if you take time to look. And goddamnit, it's not even that difficult to find. 

But if you're lazy, here are some links...

http://www.riseearth.com/2012/05/how-hemp-oil-cures-cancer-and-why-no.html

http://www.naturalnews.com/033757_cannabis_oil_cancer_cure.html

And holy shit, here's a man in Canada who cure's people himself... 

And it's phucked up because this was all brought up to the government (that's right, no capital, WHUT UP?) back in Nixon's day. Not that I feel his presidential choices were exactly morally sound. I'm so fucking pissed right now. First it was the fucking paper companies who didn't want hemp used for an alternative source of paper, now it's pharm companies withholding a FAR less painful and inexpensive cure for cancer. Fucking greedy sonsabitch's on this planet! MY SOUL REGRETS COMING TO THIS PLANET!!! 

I'm so pissed... I can't even think clearly enough to be useful right now, SO PISSED! 

Oh, did you think I was going to write a research paper backing myself up? Who the hell do you think I am? I just mention shit and then you take initiative and go do it.

I want to start throwing grocery stores and malls at the government in a global temper tantrum that endows me with Hulk like powers. The first thing I'd do if I could Hulk out... kill all of my exes so I no longer had to look at them or even worry about looking at them. I have 3 exes that come to mind right now that I would schenck the fuck out of given the opportunity and no hard time was a factor. Mmm kill you so good, exes. Kill you sooooo good.

Speaking of exes, I FUCKING hate them. Especially when they are bat shit crazy like a twat. And you know how crazy twats can be. Alright, well I'm leaving. Educate yourselves. It's disgusting but invigorating to know. And I always told my mom that marijuana had more uses than just getting you high. I just didn't know that it was put here TO CURE FUCKING CANCER AND OTHER DEBILITATING DISEASES!!

On a waaaay lighter note, I've been considering trying my hand at some stand up comedy. In the process of writing some jokes right now. I think I'm HILARIOUS. I just don't think other people will find me as hilarious.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

What the Phuck is Going on Here?

So I've been doing some thinking lately... And I've reached some disturbing conclusions...

You see this beloved classic? I'm gonna fuck with it a little bit.

Seriously, I've been having what I call a mid-mid-life crisis and have been watching the shit outta some movies, both old and new. I've stopped and asked myself multiple times "what the phuck is going on here?" 

*ASIDE* I spell it PHuck with the PH as an emphasis on the fact that I am putting large amounts of frustration into the word and am therefore pronouncing it way more vulgar than is necessary. Ironically, phuck spelled like that on paper is LESS vulgar. 

So I ask myself that question as I watch these movies, but when I asked myself that question for this movie... I almost cried. First off, do I really need to mention that there is a child here that gets kidnapped by questionable fucking goblins from the get go.. to take to a very old man who is, let's admit it, really fucking creepy with him. And that's omitting the fact that this particular old man wears make-up and jock hugging tights with HEELS... 

Alright, so that's only slightly fucking weird, right? Then we have Sarah, poor little doe-eyed Sarah... whom I'm positive was high as shit when all of this occurred. 

Looking back on this movie, was that bridge scene entirely too fucking long or is it just me? 

When I stopped to asked myself "what the phuck is going on here?" it was at the end of the movie when David Bowie serenaded us again. If you stop and listen to what the shit is coming out of his mouth, it's all really goddamn baffling and I think whoever picked that song should have been reprimanded. In fact...

How you turned my world, you precious thing
You starve and near exhaust me
Everything I've done, I've done for you
I move the stars for no one 

You've run so long
You've run so far 

Your eyes can be so cruel
Just as I can be so cruel
Though I do believe in you 

Yes I do 

Live without the sunlight
Love without your heartbeat
I, I can't live within you

I can't live within you 

(sigh) 

I, I can't live within you

These lyrics don't even make sense when applying it to the situation the movie portrays. When did dude fall in love with her enough to starve and exhaust himself? He implies that he  moves the stars for no one yet has done everything for her - by fucking with her and trying to kill her multiple times. He even tried to enslave her in a dream. And when the shit was he staring deeply into her eyes to see their cruelty? When he had her drugged on a peach? That's only time I saw any play between the two. 

Drugs.

What they don't tell you is that David Bowie's character was actually based off a child molester. 

Or even worse. He's based off a controlling ex-boyfriend archetype. Which is disgusting. Because controlling boyfriends are THAT fucking crazy. First they look all charming and shit and everyone looooooves them. But then... they disembowel your social life and make it all about them. 

Who are you talking to?

IS SUSAN TEXTING YOU AGAIN?!

Who's Sara? You were making plans on going over there? When did you plan on telling me this?

What did you talk about? Anything about me? What did your friends say about me?

gawd. some men are in-fucking-sufferable and I am just as baffled as you are that I tolerated the above questions. Which were in fact real questions asked of me at one time. But they weren't just asked once, they were asked multiple fucking times. Sometimes in the same goddamn sentence. 

"what the phuck is going on here?!" 

I think I'm gonna make that my 'thing'.