Thursday, November 29, 2012

What the PHUCK is Going On Here FOR REAL?!

I like that catch phrase so much I decided to use it again. For the very... next post... Never you mind!

I'm gonna get to the point very quickly so that I can start my random rants.





Because of this. 

What is that... oil? Yea, it's oil. Made from THIS!!

It's not always purple, but purple is my favorite color so I indulged myself aesthetically.

And guess what it does. Cures fucking cancer. I'm not sure if I'm ahead or behind the gang on this one, but I had noooooo idea about this until about three weeks ago. Now, you can imagine when my best friend tells me her grandmother has cancer, that my reaction to her "I'm going to help her fight this with cannabis oil" was  a bit... disbelieving of the idea. I was like "oh, that's the grief talking". But then the fucking internet happened and the problem with the internet is that you can learn a lot of shit if you take time to look. And goddamnit, it's not even that difficult to find. 

But if you're lazy, here are some links...

And holy shit, here's a man in Canada who cure's people himself... 

And it's phucked up because this was all brought up to the government (that's right, no capital, WHUT UP?) back in Nixon's day. Not that I feel his presidential choices were exactly morally sound. I'm so fucking pissed right now. First it was the fucking paper companies who didn't want hemp used for an alternative source of paper, now it's pharm companies withholding a FAR less painful and inexpensive cure for cancer. Fucking greedy sonsabitch's on this planet! MY SOUL REGRETS COMING TO THIS PLANET!!! 

I'm so pissed... I can't even think clearly enough to be useful right now, SO PISSED! 

Oh, did you think I was going to write a research paper backing myself up? Who the hell do you think I am? I just mention shit and then you take initiative and go do it.

I want to start throwing grocery stores and malls at the government in a global temper tantrum that endows me with Hulk like powers. The first thing I'd do if I could Hulk out... kill all of my exes so I no longer had to look at them or even worry about looking at them. I have 3 exes that come to mind right now that I would schenck the fuck out of given the opportunity and no hard time was a factor. Mmm kill you so good, exes. Kill you sooooo good.

Speaking of exes, I FUCKING hate them. Especially when they are bat shit crazy like a twat. And you know how crazy twats can be. Alright, well I'm leaving. Educate yourselves. It's disgusting but invigorating to know. And I always told my mom that marijuana had more uses than just getting you high. I just didn't know that it was put here TO CURE FUCKING CANCER AND OTHER DEBILITATING DISEASES!!

On a waaaay lighter note, I've been considering trying my hand at some stand up comedy. In the process of writing some jokes right now. I think I'm HILARIOUS. I just don't think other people will find me as hilarious.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

What the Phuck is Going on Here?

So I've been doing some thinking lately... And I've reached some disturbing conclusions...

You see this beloved classic? I'm gonna fuck with it a little bit.

Seriously, I've been having what I call a mid-mid-life crisis and have been watching the shit outta some movies, both old and new. I've stopped and asked myself multiple times "what the phuck is going on here?" 

*ASIDE* I spell it PHuck with the PH as an emphasis on the fact that I am putting large amounts of frustration into the word and am therefore pronouncing it way more vulgar than is necessary. Ironically, phuck spelled like that on paper is LESS vulgar. 

So I ask myself that question as I watch these movies, but when I asked myself that question for this movie... I almost cried. First off, do I really need to mention that there is a child here that gets kidnapped by questionable fucking goblins from the get go.. to take to a very old man who is, let's admit it, really fucking creepy with him. And that's omitting the fact that this particular old man wears make-up and jock hugging tights with HEELS... 

Alright, so that's only slightly fucking weird, right? Then we have Sarah, poor little doe-eyed Sarah... whom I'm positive was high as shit when all of this occurred. 

Looking back on this movie, was that bridge scene entirely too fucking long or is it just me? 

When I stopped to asked myself "what the phuck is going on here?" it was at the end of the movie when David Bowie serenaded us again. If you stop and listen to what the shit is coming out of his mouth, it's all really goddamn baffling and I think whoever picked that song should have been reprimanded. In fact...

How you turned my world, you precious thing
You starve and near exhaust me
Everything I've done, I've done for you
I move the stars for no one 

You've run so long
You've run so far 

Your eyes can be so cruel
Just as I can be so cruel
Though I do believe in you 

Yes I do 

Live without the sunlight
Love without your heartbeat
I, I can't live within you

I can't live within you 


I, I can't live within you

These lyrics don't even make sense when applying it to the situation the movie portrays. When did dude fall in love with her enough to starve and exhaust himself? He implies that he  moves the stars for no one yet has done everything for her - by fucking with her and trying to kill her multiple times. He even tried to enslave her in a dream. And when the shit was he staring deeply into her eyes to see their cruelty? When he had her drugged on a peach? That's only time I saw any play between the two. 


What they don't tell you is that David Bowie's character was actually based off a child molester. 

Or even worse. He's based off a controlling ex-boyfriend archetype. Which is disgusting. Because controlling boyfriends are THAT fucking crazy. First they look all charming and shit and everyone looooooves them. But then... they disembowel your social life and make it all about them. 

Who are you talking to?


Who's Sara? You were making plans on going over there? When did you plan on telling me this?

What did you talk about? Anything about me? What did your friends say about me?

gawd. some men are in-fucking-sufferable and I am just as baffled as you are that I tolerated the above questions. Which were in fact real questions asked of me at one time. But they weren't just asked once, they were asked multiple fucking times. Sometimes in the same goddamn sentence. 

"what the phuck is going on here?!" 

I think I'm gonna make that my 'thing'. 

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Do Me a Favor....

Seriously, I implore everyone to take a stand against this very serious problem... *deep breath*

Internet daters....

For the love of GOD - stop exploiting your fucking angles. I hate all of you, deceivers... I don't even know why I'm even half way surprised right now...

Now, there was one adventure about a year ago involving the now notorious velcro sandals guy that has probably set the precedent for why this issue enrages me so deeply..

I can't change that I have realistic fucking expectations from these FUCKERS. 

If that sounds angry and jaded to you... it very MUCH IS.

I have this really sad heart condition where my heart is going to fail if I'm still single by the time I'm 30. Don't fucking laugh, some women have been able to find a cure, but I said "phuck that" when I found out the cure was a permanently lonely existence with nothing but 50+ cats for company.

Anyways, ugly people, I have but one message for you: STOP EXPLOITING YOUR MOTHER FUCKING ANGLES! Attractive people: stop falling for it.

I know all of this may seem... shallow to the average asshole reading this, but I assure you there is nothing shallow about the desire of wanting to like looking at someone's face. If I wanna claw my eyes out whilst staring dreamily into your eye's... problems I foresee....

But what pisses me off about ugly people knowing they're ugly... is how they try to bait you with their falsity!!! It's almost as aggravating as pretty people knowing they're pretty but then telling everyone how they think they're ugly just to phish around for compliments... No, that's actually pretty goddamn annoying. Pretty people... you are aware of your looks, so shut the fuck up, look in the mirror and tell yourself how fucking pretty you think you are and move on with your day. People don't need to spend every fucking seconds of their lives validating your self esteem. Now that I've bitched out the pretty people too, ugly people can take a back fucking seat and think about what I'm about to spew their direction.

There is someone for everyone, with that in mind, wouldn't you much rather be honest with someone if you want to even attempt dating them? I'm mean, honesty isn't exactly a commonly practiced policy amongst men folk, sometimes women, but mostly you men folk, but holy shit if the beginning starts out with lying about how attractive you really are... then that relationship is doomed for fucking travesty.

Some of you don't even know what 'exploiting angles' really means. Chicks usually find their 'angle' when trying to hide a zit or played "Who Can Take the Best Bathroom Pic for Myspace This Week" in High School. I'm not sure how guys find theirs... but they do! and they exploit them, which is all that matters.

You've met this person... you've worked with them or went to school with them or even walked by them at a park. They are that person that you wanted to give the benefit of the doubt to, because let's face it, no one should judge thy neighbor and blah blah blah. But I mean, this person is FUNNY looking - but not in the immediate outward way, but in the way that you just can't quite figure out why they are so fucking funny looking. Then you stumble across their CrapBook picture and shit a fucking brick. That person is GORGEOUS, they have glitter exploding next to their radiant faces, birds are laying a carefully crafted headband of flowers onto their stupid head, and you're not sure.. but you're PRETTY sure that Jesus himself moved those rain clouds to shine some holy fucking light on this prick for the sake of one photo. So you murderously stalk the ever loving shit out of them on CrapBook...


You start to notice that this fucker has a bunch of photos all suspiciously taken from the same angle... So you arrange a chance encounter with this ass hat only to discover that they really are just as goddamn funny looking as you remember seeing them, and go back to digesting them with your eyes whilst still trying to maintain friendly conversation.

This kind of fucking trickery should not be allowed to dirty the world of dating. Dating is already riddled with bullshit, the exaggeration of looks on top of how disappointing you are personality wise can fuck a person up. Like me. I fucking hate dating and half the reason is because people are fucking liars and know they suck deep down so they glamour themselves up... until you're standing on their porch and they are wearing socks with velcro sandals or have the absence of a chin... I KNEW those pictures with the hand over the chin shit was a goddamn farce...

And so... I abandon internet dating altogether. I can't take it anymore I tells ya. Not only am I tired of bullshit from people in general, but damn, if people can't even be honest about their fucking looks, then I really have no hope for dating on the internets. Looks can really only be exaggerated for soooo long before the calamity is discovered. Eventually looks do go away and you're left with the individual at their core. I have a firm belief and have always had this belief that you still need to be attracted to the person in some capacity.

So there it is... I fucking quit. Also, I need a job.