Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Dear Lunch Thief,

I hope you fucking choke on and die from eating my stolen lunch. I don't really buy the fact that you couldn't afford your own goddamn lunch. It's not like we don't work at the same place and don't make the same fucking amount. I also don't buy that you mistook it for your own lunch.

I'm going to find you and throttle you like the dirty little bastard you are.

I hope it tasted like melting ass as it slithered down your worthless esophagus and dumped down into your scum filled stomach cavity. Fuck you. I hope you puke while driving so you crash your car into the rear end of a police car who hauls you off to jail for being an inattentive driver. And I hope you don't have insurance. You fucking twat.

Why can't people just be decent? Generally, I expect my thievery karma to be good because I don't fucking steal. This could be karma from the fact that I have a best friend who has a twitch to steal from major corporations every time I go shopping with her. She still buys things, but she has to steal at least one item... to stick it to the man? She never steals from mom and pop shops. Psychology... I wanna go to college for it because people are fascinating. My super power of oblivion I believe helps her get away with it because I never have any idea she has done it until we leave the store and she starts giggling hysterically. Literally, I have been standing right next to her when she does and had no fucking idea.

Back to you, lunch thief. I hope a wolf pack comes along and devours your young and makes you watch. I'm mainly pissed because I get grumpy as hell if I don't eat regularly because I have this human inside of me leaching away my nutrients if I don't replenish them. Not only that, lunch thief, I'm not the only one who suffers. You've now compromised the day of every single customer calling into me seeking support. Plus you've cost me money. I went over on my lunch by ten minutes in order to leave work to go get another lunch. That's $1.15 plus the $10 I had to drop on lunch. You've just cost me $11.15 I didn't have to spend today. I could have eaten the lunch from the food caterers here that are contracted with my employer... if I felt like dying from the 95% grease to food ratio.

I hope a leprechaun disembowels you slowly and gobbles down the entrails... and you're still alive.

I hope you can't pee for AN ENTIRE YEAR.

I hope Darth Vader rapes you with his light saber... prison style whether you be male or female.

I hope Rumplestiltskin steals your first born child. And turns you into a golden dildo... regardless of that being his super power or not. May you be used on the most unsavory of vaginas for all eternity. Sweaty, hairy, tuna twin, crab infested vaginas.

But most of all, since these scenarios are never going to happen in this reality, I hope you have nightmares of these things happening to you. Just so you know someone out there doesn't like you. I hope my face appears too, laughing at you in you're misery you shit eating cock stain.


Yea... I'm pretty pissed at the fact that people are THAT fucking low and THAT fucking selfish and stupid. It's the principle behind the idea.

I need someone to invent an invisible umbrella that wards against the shit storm of disease that is humanity.

I'm so PISSED. This is the most hormonal I've felt this entire pregnancy. I feel like a fat kid who got their double chocolate cake stolen... :'(

1 comment:

  1. People are ignorant assholes, I remember a few years back when I was in the hospital I put a sprite in the fridge that was for the floor. I go that night and it was gone.

    So for the next 3 weeks I put one sprite in and attached a note around it saying "This is property of Room *** If you take it, I'm taking your thumbs"

    Never did find out who it was, but at least I felt a sense of power... You should do the same with your lunch tomorrow ;)