Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Nerd Rage, PMS, and Why Facebook is the Mosy Unholy Machination in Existence Today

I just want you to know, as of right now, I hate your face and will swallow your soul whole. 

Sounds unpleasant, yes? Do me a favor to help me hate humanity a lot less. The next time you see that one stupid person doing stupid people things, don't just slap them, slap them with a piece of raw meat. I mean this figuratively of course, I don't OPENLY instigate rawly extreme and violent behavior. 

However, the next time you see that jackass from high school who added you on FaceBook recently because they are friend whores, start to spew nothing but bullshit on your news feed.... Ima need you to lash out in every way possible, because nothing is more ultimate in the behavior modification department than public humiliation. 

"What the fuck are you talk about, bitch?" You ask. 

I'm leaving FaceBook, at least publicly, I'll still creeper creep it out and post adorable pictures of my son for my family but other than that, I say enough! 

"People get divorces over FaceBook, you MUST stay... STAAAAYYYYY, BRAAAAIIINNNNSSSS, FAAARRRRMMMVILLLEEEE.. Please 'like' me... Do you like me? Why didn't you accept my friend request immediately?! COMMENT ON MY PICTURES!!!!!! Please?"

*sniff* Grow your fucking dignity back, people. I remember when the world used to function without FaceBook and goddamned status updates and how many fucking likes skanky chicks get when being exploited by sweaty, fat men who spend their days building rooms like "FAP if you think this chick is HOT and you'd BONE her."

I'm tired of it I tell you. This pseudo porn is bullshit. I don't give two fucks if you need to reach 3,000 likes in an hour in order to get a free scholarship to How to Suck Better University, "leak" pictures to those amateur sites if you are so goddamn eager for inappropriate attention. 

"Bitch, you're just jealous that my floaties fill out this top better than yours." 

Pssh, don't get me wrong, I plan on getting some fat implants after I have all the kids I'm going to squeeze out and my tits are down to my knees, but until then, my natural awesomeness is far more ultimate than your fake ass. Seriously, if you are under the age of 30 and have had work done (reconstructive surgery after that fire you pulled a baby from notwithstanding) then you disgust me. There is nothing wrong with being natural and damn proud of it. Fuck your collagen injections, fuck your breast implants, and fuck all that other fake shit you have caked on your face. You're an embarrassment to women, and no it isn't out of jealously that other women say things like this. It's out of respect for ourselves. We may not be the focus of all men's fantasies, but we also don't get raped in alleys and get blamed as it being our faults because we 'wanted it' due to the image we were putting out there for the way we dress. And by the phrase "WE" here, I'm speaking for all of the women out there that are damn proud of the way they look and are goddamn GORGEOUS. Who are also the center of men's fantasies yet have enough self respect... to not be FaceBook whores. 

Anyways, point number 1... Fuck FaceBook and its beginnings in the porn industry.

Alternately, I'm saying Fuck-Facebook due to Jesus freaks pounding out bible versus and I love God quotes every five fucking seconds.

"People are entitled to their beliefs, you can't take God away, blasphemer!"

Go cry in your bible and use it's fictional pages for your tears of sad realization at how much of a dumbass you are. Aside from it being the end of the Mayan calendar and people going bat shit nuts with that craze, this is a new age and new beliefs are becoming more and more prevalent. Less and less people are buying into the whole religion nonsense, basically. 

Before you stalk me and try to find where I live so you can burn down my house and carve some bible versus in the ashes, take a minute to realize that I'm right. And I'm not speaking from ignorance here, I was baptized Mormon and was subjected to their cruel, boring sacraments and young women's bullshit for 10 years. 

Let's take an aside here and examine facts that most people who know Mormons already know:

1. They are the most fucking judgmental people you will ever meet in your life. The cliches they have are tighter and more elite than some cliches you find amongst the Housewives... doesn't matter which region, any of the damn Housewives will do. 

2. If the Mormons had it their way, women still wouldn't be able to vote. Don't believe me? Ask the woman I had the pleasure of speaking with the other day who once had to ask her Bishop permission to take birth control. She never did ask his permission, probably because that's the biggest bullshit anyone has ever heard.

3. Growing up as a single parent family, my mom and I were immediately always the outcasts and treated very differently from the other families. 

4. Mormons are a bunch of entitled fucks who try to forget where their roots came from. Mormons always get pissed when outsiders refer to the Mormon church with polygamist jokes. I laugh at you silly Mormons. Either embrace the fact that the founding fathers of your religion were fat polygamists or build a new religion and trash the old one since you can't take the heat. News flash, Joseph Smith and Abraham were probably the biggest offenders and had a REALLY big part in Mormon history. And something about gold tablets that only one man could read is thrown in there somewhere... Doesn't sound fishy.  

All that being said, how does this relate to you leaving FaceBook... publicly that is? 

Because this one bitch from high school added me a few months back and I have been plagued with God's word ever since. At first, her blind addiction to her imaginary friend was cute, and then that shit just became taxing. All of sudden it became apparent that this young woman was brainwashed from birth by her church loving family and can't function on her own as a human being without relying on God as a crutch.

"God has given me everything good in my life and without His love I would not be the woman I am today. His love surrounds me and shines its holy light over me."

O, Lord... 

Why I have a problem seeing these comments just FLOOD my shit. Because, and it ALMOST relates to pseudo porn up there. Have you no self respect/strong self image/shred of self esteem to see that yes, you would still be the woman you are today, because GOD did not fucking craft your personality, life's lessons and the bullshit it throws at you, made you who are today. Sheer unfortunate fucking circumstance made you who you are today. Seriously, good things happening to you don't make you an awesome person, bad shit happening to you makes you a better person because you are able to learn and grow and blah blah blah. We've all done it, we've all been shit on by life and then had to scramble to get back up. That's the problem with bible thumpers, most of them don't even know what 'hardship' means. Some do, I'm not generalizing this to all people who like them religions. But the vast majority, especially middle class America, don't fucking know. So when they keep thanking God for all of their good fortune, I'd like to approach their migrant workers.. oh wait what... whoops... that was aaa.... not what I meant.... 

Anyways, these people just bother the shit out of me. Let's praise God for all the good things and not even mention or acknowledge anything REMOTELY negative. "What? No, little Nephi isn't harboring serial killer tendencies by perpetually strangling cats... he is practicing for the day his 5th wife gets out of hand..."

Pfft. Mormons.. 

Running me out of FaceBook with all their scriptures and shit and that pertain to NOTHING. 

Alright, I'm OUTSKI... but before we go... here are some of my own bible references.

Gensis 1:11 "And God said, Let the Earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit after his kind, whose seed is in itself, upon the Earth: and it was so."

Genesis 1:29 "And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb-bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the Earth, and ever tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat."

Genesis 3:18 "...thous shalt eat the herb of the field."

Pslams 104:14 "He causeth the grass to grow for cattle, and herb for the service of man."

Proverbs 15:17 "Better is a dinner of herbs where love is, than a stalled ox and hatred therewith."

Revelations 22:2 "the river of life proceeded to flow from the throne of God, and on either side of the bank there was the tree of life, and the leaf from that tree is for the healing of nations."

So you see, the comic book writers who brought you the bible, probably doing so whilst high as shit sitting in their fields observing the cattle eat grass, approved of cannabis and wrote it down for people to use joyfully and know that it was indeed put here as a gift. It's the alcoholics we can blame for the other debauchery in the bible, such as incest and rape and all that other violent crap. Damn wine-o's. 

The Rastafarian's have it right, that is one religion I'm seriously considering endorsing. 

Oh and I stole those bible quotes from Wikipedia.. Sorry, didn't have the time or endurance to thumb through the bible to individually hunt the quotes down. Shh, it's ok, you'll be fine, I know I pissed you off with my hatred of organized Mormonism... rub some bible on it or something, it'll get better.

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