Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Mass Effect 3 Extended Endings Victo--... Fuck.

Besides hating the ever loving shit out of Microsoft for being a corporate monster, I've never actually actively protested their products.

And I have a lot of hate for that company.

But never enough to deprive myself of the their console. Sony can lick my butt hole if they ever think I will purchase a PS anything. Fuck that noise.

I should probably think about PC gaming. But then that also hampers my whole trying not to feed the MS monster thing.

However, something has warranted my hate on a whole new level.


The apocalyptic partnership of Bioware and EA that ruined magic for everyone, everywhere.

Today is the DAY that Bioware released their extended cut of the end of Mass Effect 3, their famous and AMAZING trilogy that innovated a lot of things for RPG's to come. Hopefully others who come along do the fucking end of their games justice because Bioware sure as shit has not.

I shall be saying GOOD fucking DAY to Bioware and EA.


I'm 100% willing to admit that the Synthesis Extended Ending OWNED the original and I always thought the Synthesis ending was the best anyways, but it was spectacular this time. And thank you for fucking explaining why Joker bitched out, s'nice. Should have happened the first time? Maybe? Editors raise your hands? *BANG!*

I'm wondering something, after seeing these extended cuts compared to the first round of endings.

Why the SHIT did the first endings even make it out of the cutting room? I mean, you have to be fucking kidding me. You pushed back the original release date and still couldn't make the Extended endings present the first goddamn time?

I may not have made a video game in my life nor have I worked in the industry, but I'm a writer, and that shit was incomplete. I felt like the first round of endings came from the minds of young adult writers.

You know what I'm talking about.

The writers who can't make the cut and write big people books so they write for 'young adults', which really just means their writing is TERRIBLE, and they have to write for a crowd that isn't old enough to know it yet.

Again, speaking from personal fucking perspective over here. Garth Nix gets an awesome nod from me though, he doesn't deserve to be in the young adult genre. And J.K Rowling, but we can all agree her shit got super dark there at the end. In fact, a lot of the fantasy authors for young adult are legit, except for this one lady who I can't name simply because I forgot it. And it isn't worth Google'ing. Just know that her books lacked substance.

Kind of like Stephanie Meyers with her Twilight. It was a good idea until Hollywood came through and cast Kristen Stewart as Bella. Worst idea ever.

So versatile. 

I still hate the endings, goddamnit.

The Refusal ending was possibly the worst though, and only because you can tell Bioware is throwing a bitch fit over fans hating their sub par writing and actually protesting about it publicly.

These new extended endings do feel like previous Bioware games, though, so fans REALLY can't complain about that. If you ever played Jade Empire, you'd realize that they have actually been pulling these dick moves for a while now.

The Extended endings are worlds better than the original endings, this I can concede to. But I don't have to like it. I'm  glad they gave us MORE. But I wish they had given us BETTER.

They half assed everything again, with the still frames and shit. EDI's voice over was pretty sweet, but then again I think EDI is the best damn thing ever and Bioware should seriously consider making a game with EDI as the lead.

Best damn thing EVER.

I kind of want them to make another ME game... so I can STEAL it. Until I feel like my money is worth something to those fuckers. 

No, I'm not entitled. I just feel that if you make one of the most emotional games of all time for gamers, you best be ending that shit on a scale that can only compare to Titanic. So many fans built personal attachments to characters in the ME universe and they didn't really get to look in on the lives of those characters after Shepard is gone, which in my opinion was the gold for a lot of fans. There were also interesting relationships amongst squad members that could have at least been nodded to with some bittersweet sentiment. 

Like if Tali and Garrus are alive and neither are romantic options for you then they get together. Or how we should see Eve and Wrex leading the krogan and having lots of krogan babies. All choice dependent of course. Oh wait. Choices... don't.. matter. 

Again, go back to Jade Empire. The loophole I have here is that Jade Empire was never as widely choice based as ME is, it also wasn't a trilogy that choices from previous games added or removed content from. 

I feel like Bioware set a standard that they could not even live up to. Makes me sad faced. :'(

They still kept the same fucking color palette bullshit. Though, I guess the typical good choice, bad voice, neutral choice motif is what most games follow these days. But isn't that something Bioware has been known to punch in the face? The 'typical'? Whatever. 

Bioware has inspired me to become a Pirate. The booty hoarding kind with patches, yeah. 

I kind of hate that I like the new endings. But then I remind myself that I like the new endings MORE THAN the old endings, so that makes it ok. Though, I REALLLLLY wish they had hired some fresh meat to completely re-write and play with the fucking ending. 

And do you know why hiring a few fresh writers, who were possibly fans, would have been extremely successful?


If Twilight can be rehashed into something good...

Do you understand where the 50 Shades of Grey series comes from??? DO YOU?!?!?!?! It comes from fucking Twilight of all goddamn things! It started out as erotic fan fiction! (To which Stephanie Meyers openly admits is not her thing. How does a Mormon write stories about vampires and leave out the sex? Vampires are all about the sex.) And let's all just admit it right the fuck now. Someone was bound to fix that shit the second it became disgustingly successful. 

Fans, I implore all of you, if you have any kind of talent like writing or video game graphic design, you should get out there and see what you can do about fixing the ME situation. Let's all mob down to Bioware headquarters and violently take over their offices like entitled dictators. Half stache under the nose optional, though it would add to the violent dictator image, so it might be a good idea. 

Ugh, stupid. Still never did get to see Tali's face. Lazy fucking twats. There was PLENTY of fan art to steal if you wanted to be lazy, which is a LOT better than using stock fucking images. They just didn't want to pay anyone. Seriously, some of the fan art out there for Tali makes me fucking SAD that her face was never incorporated into the game. 


And this is coming from a not-at-first Tali fan. All of those are about 1000x better than the other bullshit they gave fans. I REFUSE to showcase that image here. It's easy to procure, but no. REFUSE. 


PROPS to Bioware for taking the time to complete the endings a little for fans, that at least is admirable. And not destroying the relays, because that was the most embarrassing flaw in story telling EVER.  

But no thank you for the Refusal ending, which was the biggest "Fuck off you fuckers" I've ever seen from a gaming company to their fans. And noooooo thank you for the questions still unanswered about the lives of our squad mates after Shepard is gone. 


If you have to do it over again or ELABORATE on it because you didn't do it right the first time, don't be a EA's little bitch about it and give fans still frame fucking endings. 

BLUE: evil wrapped up in an unsuspecting package. Have you HEARD the voiceover for that shit? EVIL. Congratulations, Shepard is now Reaper Overlord. 

GREEN: "space magic" as people keep dubbing it. Personally I'm in love with the Synthesis ending.  Mainly because BODY AUGMENTATIONS are being researched for development and synthesizing our bodies with technology will probably be seen in our generation. SO, as HILARIOUS as it is, this ending would actually be quite believable. Maybe not absorbing the DNA of one person and getting melding into something different, that's space magic FO shizzle, but that's the fucking point of science fiction: NOT FUCKING POSSIBLE.

RED: Indoctrination theory. That's what the red choice is, hands down, fucking indoctrination. At this point I'm not going to argue that theory anymore, it's got undeniable evidence backing it up. I can't say anything bad about this ending, after all the whole purpose of the trilogy is to destroy the Reapers. That's what you've set out to do since day one all those years ago when we first landed on Eden Prime and lost Saren to indoctrination. I never chose this ending because I couldn't bring myself to destroy the Geth or EDI. The fact that I lost Legion burns me enough. The Indoctrination Theory sucks. Mostly because that's very tragic, this whole fuckin' time, you're a goddamn puppet. If that t'were the case, breaking out of it at the end would have been nice. Choices and such. But then, I guess all your choices were already predetermined by the Reapers? So everything was for naught? There's a fine line between innovating something so uniquely that people LOVE it. OR they fucking HATE it. 

Blame the japanese, they spoil us with their 45 minute end game sequences. Even if it isn't a fucking trilogy, they end their games with style AND closure. 

**sniff** So YEEEAAAAH, Bioware doesn't deserve my money anymore I decided. 

No comments:

Post a Comment